Positive Changes

As I look back at my past blog posts, I've noticed quite a change... I used to be more negative and inflexible. Nowadays I find it easier letting go and moving forward.

I mainly had used this blog as a coping mechanism. That's why I seem to have focused so much on my struggles more than the positives in my life in previous posts. But I hope to talk more about happy things on here.

The biggest change I've noticed in myself is what I'd call a "zen" state, where my ideal self is outwardly calm and quiet, and my thoughts come in a steady stream rather than huge messy chunks. I've also become less perfectionist, which is a HUGE improvement for me. Not sure if it was my concussion from a few years ago that did it, or if it was a gradual change. Probably a bit of both.

My brain is as calm as this lake.

In any case, I can manage my emotions and sensitivity better since I've become more adaptable. The release of my documentary has helped me with that, since I've had to learn to carefully think through replies to my many comments, and to have enough backbone to delete and block trolls as they come.

I've also had discussions with people who have a very different outlook than me (including friends and family), so I've had to suppress the temptation to respond emotionally and consider the other person's perspective first. I used to always think my way was always the right way. But not so much anymore. Everyone will have at least one opinion that differs from mine, even my own boyfriend! 

(I usually don't talk about specific people on here but I may as well open up: I have a boyfriend. He's an aspie like me, and he's wonderful. :) ) 

Anyway, we've had discussions on some hot button topics. While I didn't agree with some of his viewpoints, the difference in opinion was not actually a big deal (I. E. I logically wouldn't break up with him over it because they weren't things I cared about much). But my emotions got the better of me a lot, so I'd stress out thinking our relationship wouldn't work out, when in reality, I just needed to respect the fact that there will be differences between us and they're not a big deal. Differences are what make people interesting! I honestly would get bored if I was dating someone exactly like me.

This couple agrees on everything. Look how boring they are.

I've grown not only from interactions like this, but from life conflicts and some extreme struggles... This past semester, I had been dealing with enormous amounts of anxiety and depression. So much so that I decided to take the spring semester off. I worked so hard to do well in school and look normal, that I neglected to address some of my needs. Working at a pace way too fast for me for years has worn me out. But like I said, the extreme struggle has helped me grow. I am better at time management, which is better for my overall mental health. I also seek social interaction more, since I know that even if I don't want it or don't feel ready for it (which is most of the time), I do still need it. I am better able to balance a social life and my work now that I have my own time and space to do it.

I still have big aspirations, but since slowing down I've tried to take on less. I picked the goals I want to work towards, and I'm just focusing on those. For now, I aim to post more on my YouTube channels, finish up my leftover projects, and to be good company for my boyfriend since he's still in school this semester (poor guy D:).

I also hope to post more happy things in the future. :)

Overwhelmed Beyond Belief (Life Update)

It is very hard to write this.

Those of you who follow my blog may have noticed that I've been posting less as time goes by. I went from 26 posts in three months to only 9 posts total this year. Well, there's several reasons for that.

1. I've been busy.
College has been my life for the past three years. It's been fun, and I love learning... but it's also been a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

My college campus

I don't talk about this much, but I've dealt a lot with suicide ideation since I was 16. College made it worse.

In the first year, a lot of it was miscommunication--I didn't actually want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop, and my brain to stop torturing me with it's repetitive, obsessive thought processes. I couldn't turn it off.

Dealing with too many voices, bright lights, and just being out in public on a daily basis didn't help.

On top of that, too much information being crammed into my brain in too short a time hasn't been good for me. The assignments demand that I think and read at a pace too fast for me. I'm smart, I know I am, but how on earth could I work under all that pressure? All this has been weighing on me for three dreadfully long years.


2. I've been overwhelmed beyond belief.
Constantly being in a state of sensory or information overload causes me to stop functioning like a normal person, and not functioning like a normal person makes me hate myself. People only like me if I keep my NT mask on. I've received several YouTube comments on my Asperger's documentary from people assuming I don't have Asperger's... it's good to know I seem normal, but it's upsetting too, knowing that once that mask cracks... no one will care anymore because they won't get it.

A comment from a fellow aspie on my documentary really describes this well:

Guys, THIS is why I seemed so normal in my film! I worked my *bleep* off to be well-behaved enough so that my viewers would listen to me.

Behind that pretty face is a truckload of strained effort to look like you.

Luckily, I'm hardly persecuted for being overwhelmed because I'm so good at hiding it. I have supportive friends and family who understand Asperger's, so they are gracious when I do finally snap. But it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty when I go over the edge and do something bad. I don't know what people really think of my "abnormal" actions when I let them loose, so I hide them because I don't want to offend anyone or stress them out.

Overload-Induced Aggression
I'm usually a calm person, not known for being agressive. But in the past year I've felt angry more often than I'd like to admit. It's sort of an overwhelmed-angry, a life-is-stealing-my-sanity-and-happiness kind of angry. I've had "tantrums" in my college dorm, stomping and yelling when no one is around. When I'm really upset I'd tip over the garbage can and throw things, though I have enough self-control to avoid fragile items. I have to get away from people when I'm like this though, because I'm scared I'd hurt someone at some point.

Most of this is just me being overwhelmed. I'm also more likely to snap when other factors add in, like hunger, poor sleep, and overstimulation. I also need a lot of time to process my experiences, and yet I feel like life keeps shoving me forward so I can't. I'm like a computer who has accumulated many years worth of files without a single scan or defrag, and yet people are trying to drop more files onto my system when I'm already beyond capacity!!

"I'm running Windows 98, what were you expecting??"

I love my friends and family, but it hurts my head when they try to talk to me while I'm in this state, telling me things and showing me things because I'm usually a good listener... I just want to get away from everyone for a while so I won't offend them by not listening or snapping at them because my head hurts.

The Bottom Line
So why haven't I written for a while? Too much information. It takes me longer to do anything nowadays, and I've overworked my brain into a depression. I need a break. A long break.

I'm considering taking a semester off college, but I'm not sure yet. Until then, please be patient with me, as it may take me a while to become as responsive as I have been in the past. I don't want to lose my friends and readers because I cannot keep up.

Day Off = NO WORK!!

I suppose this is a good a time as any to write, since my brain is going in circles and circles and circles and circles and circles -smacks my face with a pillow- ... ah, that's better.

Today is supposed to be my day off. My days off are a little different from most I think--the average person will still be active, doing little things here and there that didn't get done during the week... like sending emails, checking Facebook, doing a bit of shopping, spending time with friends, etc. I can't do that. Every little thing I have on my list to do bounces around in my head until it's done, allowing me no relief. 

Now for my days off, I want to do NOTHING. Well not literally, but I want that to be my approach, to go into it thinking I have no schedule. Then when I wake up, I won't immediately be burdened with things I to do, places to go, people to see, etc. I can follow my brain wherever it leads me. I could really end up doing nothing if my brain isn't feeling up to it, or I could do a bunch of things. I could record myself singing, or write something, or make YouTube videos... basically leaning towards my creative hobbies.

My brain is like a wild horse (not sure why I chose that analogy cuz I'm not a fan of horses) that needs to be set free every once in a while, not tied to any schedule or task or purpose. I'm a free spirit, fluid like water, and I don't want to be trapped by the [boundaries of time and space.] As an aspie, I do value routine and it helps me greatly during the week, but on the weekends I want none of it. I want a day to go back to my planet, with no reminders of earth's annoyances whatsoever: not my Facebook newsfeed, an email, a friend saying hello, the latest news, intrusive advertisements, etc.

Home, sweet home...

 I'm sure my fellow aspie friend Katie can sympathize with me on this one. That's one reason why I like hanging out with her a lot... we both have a taste for freedom, and actually act on it by going on little adventures that don't fit with our daily routines. We love biking places and discovering things nearby, whether it's a pretty area for a picnic, interesting shops in town, or even just snacks at the grocery store. And all the while I'd be listening to Katie talk about her life and her inner world, and occasionally join her in being delighted by something in the environment that grabs her attention. It's like a wonderful freedom from my daily life, with no pressure, stress, or time constraints. I don't want those things limiting my enjoyment of life.

I wonder if any other aspies out there feel this way?

Depression and Anxiety are People Too...

When I'm feeling anxious, unwell, or depressed, rather than try to fix it, I wonder if I should treat my ailing self like a friend; to show compassion and support, but not in a way that says "I want to change you." More like, "Hello again, welcome. Here is my plan for the day, can you work with me on this?"

My aspie companion Matt is a great example to me. He doesn't try to fix me... he insists that nothing is wrong with me in the first place. And if my issues become a real hindrance--like when I can't focus on homework that's due the next day--he will gently redirect me towards my goal. I don't always listen to him though, and I think it's because I'm not letting my brain mimic that gentle redirection. Instead, I berate myself for not taking the advice of my wonderful friend.

I need to stop thinking that external compassion alone will solve my problems. I can start by showing compassion to myself internally. Perhaps if I mentally implement the approach of acceptance, I can redirect the my thoughts to change my actions. I could halt the cycle of self-loathing, and actually get out of bed when it seems near impossible, or forgive my sensory problems when they disrupt my "normal" behavior, or to keep moving forward when I cannot complete a task on time. I'll say "Hey, I noticed you're having trouble. Why don't we try something else?"

The next time my friends Depression and Anxiety come to visit, I'll try to be a nicer host.

The "Mixing Bowl" of Obsessive Thinking

What is obsessive thinking?

Obsessive thinking is "a mental disorder that refers to the repetitive ideas or impulses in a person's mind." (Mark Hutten, M.A., 2013)
See Hutten's video for a more in-depth explanation.

He also states that while obsessive thinking can be associated with desire a person wishes to be fulfilled, the thoughts can also be "unwanted, making the person somewhat mentally unbalanced." (Mark Hutten, M.A., 2013)

How does obsessive thinking relate to Asperger's?

Obsessive thinking seems to come with the territory of Asperger's, though sometimes it can be confused with OCD. Some aspies do have OCD as a comorbid disorder, but obsessive thinking alone doesn't always result in OCD-like compulsions. In any case, obsessive thinking is very much tied into the way our brains work as a whole, reinforcing positive, negative, and neutral thoughts.

Here is how obsessive thinking affects me...

Disclaimer: Everyone's experience is different, This post focuses specifically on mine.

Click below to hear me talk about it.


Transcript:

"MIXING BOWL" ANALOGY

"An analogy that I have for my obsessive thinking is my brain is kind of like an electric mixing bowl. Like the kind you use for cooking, that you'd use to whip up some eggs or something.

Every piece of information that gets thrown in my brain--whether it's something that I'm thinking about, or something that someone says, or something on TV, or something I read--every piece of information that makes its way into the mixing bowl that is my brain gets stirred around constantly.

I either have no off button for this mixing bowl, or it's really hard to find the off button, because it just keeps going around and around and around and around. So I'll think of whatever was thrown in there over and over and over. And sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it because I'm used to it--that's just the way I think.


NEGATIVE CYCLE

A more negative example--and this is a big reason why I don't read the news--let's say a bad news article comes up; not bad in the sense of written badly, but something that's kind of depressing to read about. Let's say there was a shooting or a death or something like that... politics are depressing too. But once I read an article, I'll keep thinking about it. So if it was something bad that happened, I will keep thinking about it. Like if it's something that makes me angry, I'll keep being angry about it. It takes a long time for me to shut it off.

I can't watch horror movies, either.

Because of my obsessive thinking, a lot of things bother me more than most people. I think that ties into a lot of the Asperger's issues, including my sensory issues. Let's say I'm wearing a shirt with a little tag on it, or one part of the shirt is uncomfortable on me. Most people could probably just ignore that and just get through the day. I cannot take my focus off of it, because that thing that bothered me was thrown into the mixing bowl and it won't stop going.

I keep remembering:

'Oh, there's a tag on my shirt.'

'There's a tag on my shirt.'

'There's a tag on my shirt.'

I don't necessarily think of the words in my head because I'm visual, but that's the thought that keeps coming.

➤ Here's some great advice from Hutten on how to reduce obsessive thinking.

Note: While some things are nearly impossible for me to ignore (usually the sensory issues), I find that it helps to drown out the negative thought cycles by engaging in activities that promote positive thoughts. For me it's doing something familiar to that I enjoy, like playing old games from my childhood, or watching my favorite shows.


POSITIVE CYCLE

On the flipside, while things might bother me more, I feel like I can enjoy things--not more than other people--but I can enjoy things for longer. So if there's a movie I like, and I watch it, I can keep watching. Not over and over in the same day, but I'll watch the movie one week and I'd be totally fine watching it the next week.

This is actually a good example, a more positive one--my friend Matt (a fellow aspie) will occasionally send me music that I like because he knows what I like. So let's say he sends me a nice song, and I listen to it, and I like it (and usually whether I like it or not, this happens anyway), then it will play over and over and over in my head. While that might annoy other people, that's just normal for me.

It makes me want to listen to it, so I'll listen to it over and over because that's what my brain's doing. (Hutten states that an obsession can often result in a compulsion. In my case, obsessing about a song results in a compulsion to listen to it, which for me is a good thing.) I actually like obsessing over music and music videos, or videos in general. I enjoy memorizing things, because it goes with the way my brain works.

I really like AMV's, especially.

That being said, it's a good thing because I can stick with things longer. I can get interested in something, and if it's something for work especially, that's a good thing. I'll be dedicated to it. But if it's something that's bad, something that's negative, like if someone insults me or something, that's going to keep replaying in my head--and then it's not good. That's where a lot of my depression comes from: when I hear bad things or see bad things.

Basically I just have to be careful about what I throw in the mixing bowl."

[Sources]
Mark Hutton - Obsessions and the Asperger's Mind: Help for People on the Autism Spectrum

Thoughts on my Asperger's

This used to be a private note on my Facebook profile. But now I'm making it public so others can understand me better. Lately I've found myself feeling more closed off, even in my writing. I don't want that to happen, whether it's from growing up, social paranoia, or stress. So... here's me.

Lushia, my fantasy self

With my Asperger's, I have gifts. Quite a few, really... I can't often connect with people, but at least I can share my gifts. It's my job on this earth, you know?

Sometimes I get sad. I may never be able to truly understand other people... but I want to. I try my best. I hear it's a lovely thing, being able to look into someone's eyes and know what they're thinking, without blaring, nagging paranoia telling me that they hate me, or that they think I'm awkward, crazy, or overemotional. I find human eyes to be intriguing, but not so much when their gaze makes me feel vulnerable, as if my flaws are laid bare for all to see.

But then again, I wish that other people could see how I see, sometimes. I'm a very visual thinker, and my imagination likes to mingle with the real world: glowing streams of color here and there, angels in the clouds, and occasionally I grow my own set of wings on good days. I also like using my mind to organize things in physical space, whether or not I actually do so. Certain objects light up for me, and it's as if my brain automatically categorizes everything. It's so much fun, like a video game, to organize things.

There's also the upsides of my sensory sensitivities. I feel a sort of euphoria from everyday things, like a gentle breeze, certain types of music, fuzzy blankets, stretchy toys, the physics of water, etc...

The best parts of my world are peaceful, no fights over silly things, no lies or deception, and everyone is honest. When I finally have time to myself to unwind and set aside the burdens of adulthood, I can become myself as a child again, innocent and carefree.


So yeah, I may never experience life like anyone else. But should I even want to? My life is pretty interesting as is, even without the comfort of deep connections with other people.

(All art by me)

LIFE NEEDS A PAUSE BUTTON.

Is it just me, or does time fly a little faster than I would like it to?

Time, staaaahp!

For many of us, the pace of life can be overwhelming. For me, at the current time, it's utterly ridiculous. My most frequent wish is that it would slow down enough for me to breathe.

As an Aspie, I take in a lot of stimuli, so to keep up with a schedule that requires a lot of tasks in a short period of time wears me out easily. Especially with my major documentary project, I've been doing a lot of mentally-heavy creative decision making at least 8-12 hours a day under high pressure due to deadlines. Thank goodness I work independently, so I can push deadlines a bit farther if needed and not kill myself to satisfy any higher-ups.

Aspies often need more down-time than typical people, since the way we take in information can be exhausting. Me being an introvert only increases my need for alone time and recuperation. However, with the busy-ness of all my family members (and pretty much everyone I know), I'm often rushed along crazy route, and required to be fast and upbeat to survive...

I think my biggest problem is that I'm ambitious. There's soooo much I want to do, and there's no way to do it all at once, or even switch between them because I'm so bad at switching tasks. To give you an Idea—I have three YouTube channels, three blogs/websites, four Facebook pages, and I am an admin/launcher of an Aspie group on Facebook. My hobbies include writing: blogging, roleplays, novels; filmmaking: planning, directing, camera, video editing; singing, and artsy things.

I'm not listing these in order to brag—honestly I'm only moderately good at most of them—but it's just to give you an idea of why I get so stressed when I don't have enough time to do the things I really want to do. It's frustrating, because it makes it hard to have a balanced life. Without the support of my parents, I'd probably starve to death on the street because I was fixating on a new film or book I want to create rather than look for a job. Or obsessing over a project I never finished 6 years ago.

One of my most recent ambitions: to be a YouTube gamer/letsplayer. You know, those guys who record themselves playing video games and reacting ridiculously to things, while somehow getting tons of views (i.e. PewDiePie, Markilplier, etc.)? I want to do that, since I already yell and make funny noises and crack jokes when I'm playing games. Ironically, it takes charisma to be an entertaining letsplayer, and most aspies are kind of lacking in that area (including me when I'm tired)... but why the heck not? I might as well try it.

But, the only issue is that popular YouTubers are obligated to post weekly, or even daily, to keep an audience. That would be tough for me, and may just be another thing in my schedule to overwhelm me at some point. And that's what I'm afraid of. It's happened so many times before... I'll get excited over a new idea, like a new song to cover and post on YouTube, or a new blog post... and I'll either get halfway through it and stop, or I'll post things so rarely I may lose whatever small audience/subscribers I have.

I wish it was normal to do things at your own pace if you're a slow person, or easily overwhelmed. But in our lightning fast, instant microwaved caffeine to-go kind of world, good luck finding a pause button.