Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Overwhelmed Beyond Belief (Life Update)

It is very hard to write this.

Those of you who follow my blog may have noticed that I've been posting less as time goes by. I went from 26 posts in three months to only 9 posts total this year. Well, there's several reasons for that.

1. I've been busy.
College has been my life for the past three years. It's been fun, and I love learning... but it's also been a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

My college campus

I don't talk about this much, but I've dealt a lot with suicide ideation since I was 16. College made it worse.

In the first year, a lot of it was miscommunication--I didn't actually want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop, and my brain to stop torturing me with it's repetitive, obsessive thought processes. I couldn't turn it off.

Dealing with too many voices, bright lights, and just being out in public on a daily basis didn't help.

On top of that, too much information being crammed into my brain in too short a time hasn't been good for me. The assignments demand that I think and read at a pace too fast for me. I'm smart, I know I am, but how on earth could I work under all that pressure? All this has been weighing on me for three dreadfully long years.

2. I've been overwhelmed beyond belief.
Constantly being in a state of sensory or information overload causes me to stop functioning like a normal person, and not functioning like a normal person makes me hate myself. People only like me if I keep my NT mask on. I've received several YouTube comments on my Asperger's documentary from people assuming I don't have Asperger's... it's good to know I seem normal, but it's upsetting too, knowing that once that mask cracks... no one will care anymore because they won't get it.

A comment from a fellow aspie on my documentary really describes this well:

Guys, THIS is why I seemed so normal in my film! I worked my *bleep* off to be well-behaved enough so that my viewers would listen to me.

Behind that pretty face is a truckload of strained effort to look like you.

Luckily, I'm hardly persecuted for being overwhelmed because I'm so good at hiding it. I have supportive friends and family who understand Asperger's, so they are gracious when I do finally snap. But it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty when I go over the edge and do something bad. I don't know what people really think of my "abnormal" actions when I let them loose, so I hide them because I don't want to offend anyone or stress them out.

Overload-Induced Aggression
I'm usually a calm person, not known for being agressive. But in the past year I've felt angry more often than I'd like to admit. It's sort of an overwhelmed-angry, a life-is-stealing-my-sanity-and-happiness kind of angry. I've had "tantrums" in my college dorm, stomping and yelling when no one is around. When I'm really upset I'd tip over the garbage can and throw things, though I have enough self-control to avoid fragile items. I have to get away from people when I'm like this though, because I'm scared I'd hurt someone at some point.

Most of this is just me being overwhelmed. I'm also more likely to snap when other factors add in, like hunger, poor sleep, and overstimulation. I also need a lot of time to process my experiences, and yet I feel like life keeps shoving me forward so I can't. I'm like a computer who has accumulated many years worth of files without a single scan or defrag, and yet people are trying to drop more files onto my system when I'm already beyond capacity!!

"I'm running Windows 98, what were you expecting??"

I love my friends and family, but it hurts my head when they try to talk to me while I'm in this state, telling me things and showing me things because I'm usually a good listener... I just want to get away from everyone for a while so I won't offend them by not listening or snapping at them because my head hurts.

The Bottom Line
So why haven't I written for a while? Too much information. It takes me longer to do anything nowadays, and I've overworked my brain into a depression. I need a break. A long break.

I'm considering taking a semester off college, but I'm not sure yet. Until then, please be patient with me, as it may take me a while to become as responsive as I have been in the past. I don't want to lose my friends and readers because I cannot keep up.


  1. You Won't. Those that Know. will sit and wait. and be here, and those that walk away. you are better without them.

  2. You should take as much time as you need to recuperate. An Aspie's clock rarely works on the same time scale as a NT's clock.