Sunday, July 12, 2015

Thoughts on my Asperger's

This used to be a private note on my Facebook profile. But now I'm making it public so others can understand me better. Lately I've found myself feeling more closed off, even in my writing. I don't want that to happen, whether it's from growing up, social paranoia, or stress. So... here's me.

Lushia, my fantasy self

With my Asperger's, I have gifts. Quite a few, really... I can't often connect with people, but at least I can share my gifts. It's my job on this earth, you know?

Sometimes I get sad. I may never be able to truly understand other people... but I want to. I try my best. I hear it's a lovely thing, being able to look into someone's eyes and know what they're thinking, without blaring, nagging paranoia telling me that they hate me, or that they think I'm awkward, crazy, or overemotional. I find human eyes to be intriguing, but not so much when their gaze makes me feel vulnerable, as if my flaws are laid bare for all to see.

But then again, I wish that other people could see how I see, sometimes. I'm a very visual thinker, and my imagination likes to mingle with the real world: glowing streams of color here and there, angels in the clouds, and occasionally I grow my own set of wings on good days. I also like using my mind to organize things in physical space, whether or not I actually do so. Certain objects light up for me, and it's as if my brain automatically categorizes everything. It's so much fun, like a video game, to organize things.

There's also the upsides of my sensory sensitivities. I feel a sort of euphoria from everyday things, like a gentle breeze, certain types of music, fuzzy blankets, stretchy toys, the physics of water, etc...

The best parts of my world are peaceful, no fights over silly things, no lies or deception, and everyone is honest. When I finally have time to myself to unwind and set aside the burdens of adulthood, I can become myself as a child again, innocent and carefree.

So yeah, I may never experience life like anyone else. But should I even want to? My life is pretty interesting as is, even without the comfort of deep connections with other people.

(All art by me)