Any comments that are invalidating, triggering or abusive will be removed, as such comments could be distressing not only to me, but others who might be reading the comments who have DID or OSDD. This includes comments suggesting that me or anyone else's multiplicity is fake. Believe it or not, the fear of being "fake" is VERY common for people who are legitimately multiple, and comments suggesting that can be triggering. So, please be nice.
If you are concerned that anyone claiming to have DID/be multiple is faking, please watch this video.
If you've ever heard of Multiple Personality Disorder, which is now
called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), I seem to meet
all the criteria.
However, it's quite possible that I could have something called Other
Specified Dissociative Disorder - Type 1b (OSDD-1b), which is very
similar to DID.
WHAT IS DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER?
WebMD has an accurate and easy to understand
description of DID.
"Dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a
mental process which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts,
memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity
disorder is thought to stem from a combination of factors that may include
trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is
thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally shuts off or
dissociates himself from a situation or experience that's too violent,
traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self."
DID is often caused by repeated childhood trauma, which happens before the
personality has the chance to become consolidated as one.
This is how the different personalities or "alters" are
created.
HOW DO I KNOW I (possibly) HAVE DID?
Now, you might be asking: Alyssa, how do you
know if you really have Dissociative Identity Disorder?
First of all: that's my business.
But I'm going to answer that question anyway.
My answer to that is that I have examined my experiences very critically and
carefully over a long period of time (around 12 years), researching various
different mental health conditions and ruling out others as possibilities while
trying to find the most accurate name for my experience.
I do have other diagnoses like autism, PTSD, and OCD, and they do overlap in
some ways, but I found that the alters I had developed were specifically a DID
thing, so I know it's not my autism or anything else.
SELF-DIAGNOSIS IS VALID
I should mention that I do not have a
diagnosis of DID or OSDD, but similar to how I believe that self-diagnosis in
the autistic community is valid, I think self-diagnosis for DID or OSDD is also
valid. Psychologists may be "experts," but the best expert on YOU, is
YOU. DID can be tricky to recognize in oneself (and I'll explain why later),
but self-discovery of DID can and does happen, like it did with me.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STIGMA?
DID isn't a disorder I would casually
self-diagnosis, as it's not only super complex but also extremely stigmatized.
Why would I want one of the most stigmatized disorders?
The important thing for me is that I know
have a NAME for what I'm dealing with, and a way to search for resources that
can help me function better.
OTHER TYPES OF MULTIPLES/SYSTEMS
(Besides DID)
I should mention that if am unable to get a
diagnosis of DID due to a lack of resources, of if it turns out I don't have
DID after all, I will still say I am multiple. The reason is because there are
many different types of multiplicity, and not just DID or OSDD systems.
(By the way, a "system" is a
collection of alters or "headmates" within one person or body. This
is a term that can apply to people with DID, OSDD, and other types of
multiplicity.)
I am not an expert on the multiple community outside of DID and OSDD, so if you
want to read about other types of multiplicity, I included a link in the
description. Please check that out.
I believe that the other types of multiplicity that are NOT DID or OSDD just as
valid since I am very much aligned with the Neurodiversity movement. I am a
skeptical person by nature, but I'd rather validate others and be inclusive of
their identities, instead of gatekeeping and deciding who is a TRUE multiple
and who is not. So I thought I should at least mention in my video that DID and
OSDD systems are not the only valid ones. They are just the type that I relate
to best.
CLUES THAT I MIGHT HAVE DID
Now, back to my own multiplicity. What are
some clues that I might have DID?
So... DID a very sneaky disorder due to amnesiac barriers between alters. We
each have different memories of our past, and poor memory overall. This is one
reason why it took me so long to realize that DID is likely what I'm dealing
with. Looking back, I have had alters noticeably emerge since I was a teenager.
They would do things like leaving notes I wouldn't remember writing. Or writing
in my journal in a very different tone than what I thought my personality was
like. Other people had also told me that my behavior and speech patterns were
quite variable. And I thought I was possessed by a demon when my voice and
demeanor would suddenly change, and I'd feel like a different person. I had
moments when I would revert to a childlike state.
I even had a crush on one of my alters without realizing it was an alter--I
thought it was just an imaginary friend. If you have seen my documentary and
some of my content with me talking about my fictional world Vael, that was
actually Seamus. Seamus is an alter.
I had either at the time forgotten about these experiences or written them off
as a cringey teenage phase.
But they never went away.
In other words, they were not a phase.
MY VARIATIONS
I had always acted inconsistent, my demeanor
and preferences changing rapidly, in such dramatic ways that I sometimes didn't
know who I was or felt like I was just faking or lying to people. (And I know
that sense of faking or impostor syndrome can come with autism or ADHD, but in
my case it's even more heightened, I'd wonder why I can't just be consistent.)
It didn't make sense to me that I could be really shy, sweet and innocent one
day, and another day I'm bold and brash and crude.
Some days I'd say I love video games, other days I'd say "I'm not really a
gamer." Some days I'd feel masculine and other days I'd feel feminine
(alters can have different genders).
Sometimes I look in the mirror and am startled because I look unfamiliar and
strange.
Each alter has different patterns of speech and ways they type messages. At
least each of my alters.
Each system is different. Some alters seem very similar and are supposed to be
covert, where other alters are overt and very obviously different from each
other. Mine can be both covert and overt.
SPEECH AND COMMUNICATION
But they definitely have different patterns
of speech and different ways they type messages. I wanted to mention that part
because you might notice my voice changing, especially if you watching my
gaming livestreams lately, my voice is changing a lot... that's why. My Gaming Channel & Livestreams (where my alters hang out)
PREFERENCES AND BELIEFS
They also have different preferences, like
favorite colors and foods and video games and hobbies. They also have different
ways of relating to the world. So different approaches to situations, some are
more introverted or extroverted, they might have different opinions on things,
different religious beliefs even. Most of mine do not have religious beliefs,
are atheist or agnostic, and one is spiritual.
It's all very interesting, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, even
though it's been under my nose this whole time.
ABILITIES
My abilities also would change drastically.
One of my alters has a talent for making teeny tiny paper flowers, while
another one has such poor motor skills that I can't trust them to hold a knife
or glass dishes. Some of my alters can sing and some cannot. Same with drawing.
And some are great with typing while others
prefer writing on paper or speaking verbally.
SEXUALITY
Some are asexual, some hypersexual, some
don't even register sexuality as a thing that exists.
I realize that there is a lot of stigma around Dissociative Identity Disorder,
and that by being open about being multiple, I am taking a risk. But to me,
that risk is worth it, because I don't want to hide myself away to make other
people comfortable.
So the reason I am telling you about this, is because I am going to allow my
alters to be themselves in my videos whenever possible (they'll still be
polite), because it's utterly exhausting trying to mask or hide them. It's
similar to how it's exhausting to mask autistic traits when you naturally want
to stim and be yourself.
I am open to questions about my multiplicity, but I may not talk about it
extensively (especially regarding trauma) because I don't want to accidentally
trigger alters out or cause them to have flashbacks.
Questions about my alters as people, how to tell who is who, etc. are much
easier to answer, and my alters would likely appreciate it and feel seen.
"FRONTING"
Whenever a specific alter is talking or aware
of what's going on most prominently, that means that alter is fronting. Who
fronts most often depends on who I'm talking to, what we're talking about,
activities we're doing, my mood, and the state of my body/mind.
Also, from now on, please call me Lushia. Alyssa is the name of
only one of my alters, while Lushia is the name of my system as a whole. You
don't have to remember the names of each of my alters, though sometimes they do
like being recognized. Also, I do have some alters with different genders, but
you can use she/her pronouns regardless of who is fronting. None of us really
mind.
Any comments that are invalidating, triggering or abusive will be removed, as such comments could be distressing not only to me, but others who might be reading the comments who have DID or OSDD. This includes comments suggesting that me or anyone else's multiplicity is fake. Believe it or not, the fear of being "fake" is VERY common for people who are legitimately multiple, and comments suggesting that can be triggering. So, please be nice.
If you are concerned that anyone claiming to have DID/be multiple is faking, please watch this video.
P.S. If you noticed a different font/format in this post, it's because I am switching to sans font, and adjusting the formatting to make my posts more readable.
