A Leftist Rant on Disabled Shame

Being disabled can come with such intense shame.

We are not considered valuable in our capitalist society. Our worth is decided for us by how much money we can make.

Money often determines how well we're doing. If we can't afford our medicines or food... Well, we might not function enough to take care of ourselves or the space we're in.

Maybe it's just my perfectionism, but when I see my own messes, I see how I think the world must see me:

Lazy.

Pitiful.

Worthless.

Nevermind the fact that I can't afford my rent and could be homeless at some point, and the level of stress that causes...

Why on earth am I judging myself so harshly over a bit of clutter? Maybe it's because it reminds me of how very little control I have over my life. If I can control anything, it's my living space... And I can't even do that right. What is *wrong* with me? 

I'm desperate for any sense of control and calm. I can't relax. I can't have fun. My idea of fun is sitting in a chair just sipping tea and ignoring the world burning around me. My friends are all playing video games and have actual hobbies, while I'm either worrying intensely or trying *not* to worry. 

... I know this is just a bad day. I've had more bad days than good lately though. It's no wonder. I've been told even a non-disabled person in my situation would be freaked out. It helps to hear it's not just me. 

Let's just hope this blows over soon. It won't stop me from constantly thinking about this terrible system we're trapped in, but maybe, just maybe if I have enough to live semi-comfortably someday… I can ignore the fires until I'm okay again. And then I can chase my dream of someday putting them out.

I very much want to put the world's fires out. Only then can I relax. 

NEW FILM ANNOUNCEMENT - FREE SCREENING

"Disability is Forced Poverty" premieres on YouTube June 27th!

Summary:

A deep dive into the unfair rules and societal barriers disabled people face while on government benefits.

Click "Watch on YouTube" below and hit the "Notify Me" button so you can watch it live! It premieres June 27th at 12pm CT. Keep scrolling on this page to watch the trailer.

TRAILER

Life Update - June 2024

 I haven't written here for two years.

Interestingly, it's because I'm not suffering as much I as I was.

Yet it's strangely beautiful reading my old writings. Some of my most poetic language emerged from the midst of extreme suffering.

I can still write that way... I just don't need to. I can finally simply choose to.

This is the closest to "normal" I've felt in my life. I still can't work (disabled), but I can actually enjoy my days and think clearly, for the most part. I don't have nearly as much dissociation and sensory overload that I used to on a daily basis.

You can get this hoodie at my shop :)

I'm tempted to say that I've "figured myself out" and healed... but honestly, healing is a lifelong journey that never ends. Once I've fixed one layer of problems, another beneath it is revealed. It's like Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs if every section was "Self-Actualization" (perhaps with bits of the two sections below it).

The original concept of this triangle suggests that the lower layers are a foundation for the ones above it. As a joke, I printed out the triangle and taped it to my wall upside-down... because I'm in my own head more than the real world, often neglecting my physical needs in favor of enlightenment. I question things constantly, everything from my own thoughts and perspectives to larger social structures and how they interact.

I do have OCD, so... I have to be careful with this. Thank gods I'm on Zoloft, so my thoughts are more benign curiosity rather than severe distress.

I have a friend who can "see" people's souls as specific images. I don't believe in the supernatural, but her interpretation of my spirit has always stuck with me. So much so that I wrote it down in a journal somewhere:

"Mine was a lizard leaving behind a shadowy trail, sort of shedding skins I think, sun above and moon below (or was it the other way around?) and she saw the words 'shining indifference.'"

This suits me very well. I always feel like I'm constantly evolving, and it's weird looking back on my life and remembering how far I've come. Of course, I also have alters (DID) so that only adds to the sense of novelty around my own identity.

But I digress... why I am doing so well?

Long story short: Medication and identity healing.

Short story long: It all started when I was born-- just kidding.

Actually, it started with getting a ton of therapy throughout my life starting in adolescence. Buried somewhere underneath my pathological demand avoidance, I always had a strong desire to learn, grow and improve. It sometimes reared its head as perfectionism, but my determination usually did result in genuine growth, even if it was a bit slow. This was a constant even amidst discovering more co-morbid conditions (OCD, PTSD, DID, PMDD etc.) and writhing my way out of dark places.

Finally in my 20's, I got on some much-needed medication starting with Bupropion for depression. It helped. I got on Zoloft a few years later and HOO BOY did it work! I finally felt... normal. I asked myself how I went so long without it, as it was the most effective treatment for my severe anxiety and OCD. It's one of those "duh" things that should have been obvious (I mean, Zoloft is the #1 treatment for OCD), but I kept putting it off as I was raised to be rather anti-medication. I thought if I only tried hard enough or took some natural supplements I'd be fine. I was very wrong, and getting on meds very much needed to happen.

We seriously need to de-stigmatize needing medication.

It also had a weird side effect of nearly erasing my dissociation. Or rather, switching. I noticed at some point (less than a year ago) that I hadn't heard from some of my alters for a long time. I could contact some of them in my headspace, but it was much more difficult... it's as if their voices got quieter. And rarely did I ever switch, which was weird... I wasn't sure how to handle that, being "awake" and fronting 24/7. It was exhausting sometimes. But slowly, I took over some of the roles my alters previously served (setting boundaries, self-soothing, etc.).

Over time, without me really noticing, some of my alters integrated. (Integration is where two or more alters fuse together into a new alter with their combined traits). I only noticed when my roommate pointed out he hadn't seen Ayden (protector) front in a long time, and he heard bits of him in my voice. So I paid more attention and checked in with my system to confirm (at least the parts I have some direct access to). I heard from Seamus, Shira, and Lushira... but Ayden and Suki? Radio silence.

I kept trying over time, and asking those around me if I've switched (since I sometimes don't notice or forget it happened). Still nothing. I never heard from Ayden or Suki after that, so I've assumed at this point that I (Alyssa, the host) have merged with them. I mean, I DO feel rather different, and it's perplexed me. Now I know why.

So hey! New host. My name is Alden, a merge of Alyssa/Ayden/Suki. We've shed yet another skin and are living a new chapter of life.

I'm pretty handsome if I do say so myself

Also... gender is interesting. Alyssa was a gender-fluid girl, Ayden a guy, and Suki a woman. Alters can have their own individual traits like age and gender, so when they integrate, some of those can kinda squish together to make something new. I'll update y'all with more details in the future.

For now, my hands are tired of writing. I want a snack and tea so I'mma go grab that. Yum~

Do you like tea? What kind do you like? I'll grab you some~