A Leftist Rant on Disabled Shame

Being disabled can come with such intense shame.

We are not considered valuable in our capitalist society. Our worth is decided for us by how much money we can make.

Money often determines how well we're doing. If we can't afford our medicines or food... Well, we might not function enough to take care of ourselves or the space we're in.

Maybe it's just my perfectionism, but when I see my own messes, I see how I think the world must see me:

Lazy.

Pitiful.

Worthless.

Nevermind the fact that I can't afford my rent and could be homeless at some point, and the level of stress that causes...

Why on earth am I judging myself so harshly over a bit of clutter? Maybe it's because it reminds me of how very little control I have over my life. If I can control anything, it's my living space... And I can't even do that right. What is *wrong* with me? 

I'm desperate for any sense of control and calm. I can't relax. I can't have fun. My idea of fun is sitting in a chair just sipping tea and ignoring the world burning around me. My friends are all playing video games and have actual hobbies, while I'm either worrying intensely or trying *not* to worry. 

... I know this is just a bad day. I've had more bad days than good lately though. It's no wonder. I've been told even a non-disabled person in my situation would be freaked out. It helps to hear it's not just me. 

Let's just hope this blows over soon. It won't stop me from constantly thinking about this terrible system we're trapped in, but maybe, just maybe if I have enough to live semi-comfortably someday… I can ignore the fires until I'm okay again. And then I can chase my dream of someday putting them out.

I very much want to put the world's fires out. Only then can I relax.