Sunday, January 6, 2019

I'm Only Half-Functioning

I learned that I should not talk to people when I'm in a bad state.

Unfortunately, I'm in a bad state 50% of the time. 

I got in trouble for expressing suicide ideation multiple times to different people I met at my university. The university staff told me to go home and commute for a while until I felt better.

I never did feel better, but I did shut up about it.

I wish I didn't have to, but people just aren't equipped to interact with me when my words and behaviors are so confusing. In that state, I just want to feel safe, accepted, and most importantly, not alone.

It's very lonely, spending one half of each month in seclusion, and the other half catching up with friends.

I hardly ever feel like a real friend. I often feel like I'm constantly making up for the time I was gone. Some friends are more understanding, while others scold me for disappearing or not responding to their messages and calls.

I just don't want to be alone.

But being corrected isn't fun, either... especially for something I can't help. I'm really trying.

I always keep one special person close enough to me that they can be present during my "bad states." This person changes every few years, if I'm lucky enough to keep them for that long.

Not everyone can handle it. That's okay. Sometimes even that one person leaves. Or they stop being understanding so I have to leave them. I accept that.

I know I don't always make sense. I know I sometimes say concerning things. Reasoning or arguing won't work with me because I'm scared. Please don't take it personally. Please do set boundaries. And know I don't expect anything of you.

You don't have to do anything, just be there and listen. All I need is to feel safe, accepted, and most importantly, not alone.