Sunday, January 6, 2019

I'm Only Half-Functioning

I learned that I should not talk to people when I'm in a bad state.

Unfortunately, I'm in a bad state 50% of the time. 

I got in trouble for expressing suicide ideation multiple times to different people I met at my university. The university staff told me to go home and commute for a while until I felt better.

I never did feel better, but I did shut up about it.

I wish I didn't have to, but people just aren't equipped to interact with me when my words and behaviors are so confusing. In that state, I just want to feel safe, accepted, and most importantly, not alone.

It's very lonely, spending one half of each month in seclusion, and the other half catching up with friends.

I hardly ever feel like a real friend. I often feel like I'm constantly making up for the time I was gone. Some friends are more understanding, while others scold me for disappearing or not responding to their messages and calls.

I just don't want to be alone.

But being corrected isn't fun, either... especially for something I can't help. I'm really trying.

I always keep one special person close enough to me that they can be present during my "bad states." This person changes every few years, if I'm lucky enough to keep them for that long.

Not everyone can handle it. That's okay. Sometimes even that one person leaves. Or they stop being understanding so I have to leave them. I accept that.

I know I don't always make sense. I know I sometimes say concerning things. Reasoning or arguing won't work with me because I'm scared. Please don't take it personally. Please do set boundaries. And know I don't expect anything of you.

You don't have to do anything, just be there and listen. All I need is to feel safe, accepted, and most importantly, not alone.


  1. As the mother of another autistic person, and the wife of a doctor, I wonder if you cannot get a better combination of meds, that would lessen the level of depression, and the frequency of it.

    I know that many psychiatrists have their favorite meds, but having used a number of them as we have moved around the country, I have learned that sometimes you have to insist that they try a different mix, until you hit the ones that are right for your particular brain chemistry.

    I hope that you can find a way to be less depressed going forward.

  2. I'm an Aspie who was diagnosed at 28. I've been married for almost ten years to a very loving and supportive husband, but I struggle with depression off and on throughout the year, every year. I feel so lonely knowing that he doesn't really understand what I'm experiencing, even though he's willing to do whatever I need to feel better. I feel like a burden when I'm in a deep depression and I hate myself for suffocating him. Somehow he is still around, lol. I feel bad when other Aspies say that they think if they only had a loving partner they wouldn't feel so lonely, but some of my loneliest, most painful moments are when I'm surrounded by people who love me, and you can never explain that to someone who isn't autistic. I hope you start to feel better soon. The only thing that keeps my head above water is knowing that the cycles always come to an end, everything changes and comes to an end.