Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Positive Changes

As I look back at my past blog posts, I've noticed quite a change... I used to be more negative and inflexible. Nowadays I find it easier letting go and moving forward.

I mainly had used this blog as a coping mechanism. That's why I seem to have focused so much on my struggles more than the positives in my life in previous posts. But I hope to talk more about happy things on here.

The biggest change I've noticed in myself is what I'd call a "zen" state, where my ideal self is outwardly calm and quiet, and my thoughts come in a steady stream rather than huge messy chunks. I've also become less perfectionist, which is a HUGE improvement for me. Not sure if it was my concussion from a few years ago that did it, or if it was a gradual change. Probably a bit of both.

My brain is as calm as this lake.

In any case, I can manage my emotions and sensitivity better since I've become more adaptable. The release of my documentary has helped me with that, since I've had to learn to carefully think through replies to my many comments, and to have enough backbone to delete and block trolls as they come.

I've also had discussions with people who have a very different outlook than me (including friends and family), so I've had to suppress the temptation to respond emotionally and consider the other person's perspective first. I used to always think my way was always the right way. But not so much anymore. Everyone will have at least one opinion that differs from mine, even my own boyfriend! 

(I usually don't talk about specific people on here but I may as well open up: I have a boyfriend. He's an aspie like me, and he's wonderful. :) ) 

Anyway, we've had discussions on some hot button topics. While I didn't agree with some of his viewpoints, the difference in opinion was not actually a big deal (I. E. I logically wouldn't break up with him over it because they weren't things I cared about much). But my emotions got the better of me a lot, so I'd stress out thinking our relationship wouldn't work out, when in reality, I just needed to respect the fact that there will be differences between us and they're not a big deal. Differences are what make people interesting! I honestly would get bored if I was dating someone exactly like me.

This couple agrees on everything. Look how boring they are.

I've grown not only from interactions like this, but from life conflicts and some extreme struggles... This past semester, I had been dealing with enormous amounts of anxiety and depression. So much so that I decided to take the spring semester off. I worked so hard to do well in school and look normal, that I neglected to address some of my needs. Working at a pace way too fast for me for years has worn me out. But like I said, the extreme struggle has helped me grow. I am better at time management, which is better for my overall mental health. I also seek social interaction more, since I know that even if I don't want it or don't feel ready for it (which is most of the time), I do still need it. I am better able to balance a social life and my work now that I have my own time and space to do it.

I still have big aspirations, but since slowing down I've tried to take on less. I picked the goals I want to work towards, and I'm just focusing on those. For now, I aim to post more on my YouTube channels, finish up my leftover projects, and to be good company for my boyfriend since he's still in school this semester (poor guy D:).

I also hope to post more happy things in the future. :)

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