Current Mental Health: Utterly Horrid.

Current Mental Health: Utterly Horrid.

For the past 10 years, I've swung between "I'm okay" and "please kill me."

I can name a few specific stressors that may have contributed to this, "typical" ones that could happen to anyone (like a new home, breakups, or trauma), but I often wonder if the majority of it is my incompatibility with this world as an Autistic person.

Things keep changing, I can't process them. Everything is too loud and bright and itchy and overwhelming. Daily living tasks can seem incredibly daunting.

My reactions are becoming more and more extreme over time and I don't know why. I sometimes go nonverbal, and sob all day, wishing I could cease to exist.

I see other autism advocates online posting such great and helpful content, and I want to do that too. I have a bazillion ideas of what to talk about, but it somehow never makes it way to my blog or YouTube channel because I'm so beaten down by simply existing and dealing with mental illness. I cannot stress enough how much I want to contribute more to the autism community, and you amazing people reading this.

I'm an adult, and while my parents are very gracious and don't expect me to be a superhero, I have high expectations of myself. I want to be entirely self-sufficient and it destroys me knowing that I can't be.

I've not worked since 2012 due to going to college, and while social security benefits (I'm disabled) have been a lifesaver, I've felt trapped due to the income restrictions and the possibility that I will always have to remain poor to keep receiving the help I need (food stamps, SSI, Medicaid/Medicare, etc).

I know deep down that being forced to remain poor is entirely unacceptable. I may have limitations, but that should not bar me from living a fulfilling life and having some financial freedom. I want to go out and do fun things more often: see a movie, go out to eat with friends, etc.... I know there's a lot I can do for free, but I wish I could do more. Maybe go on vacation someday if I'm lucky, or travel. Visit Internet friends in other countries and try new things. At the very least... I'd love to be able to pay for therapeutic things like a chiropractor (I'm all out of shape), yoga classes, massages or anything that I know will improve my health and quality of life.

That's hard when my SSI doesn't even cover the cheapest rent in existence and I have no choice but to live with someone generous enough to tolerate my presence, and my inability to pay for anything or contribute to the household.

I look around and see other autistics in the same boat as me. Though many are worse off, either not eligible for financial help or cannot support themselves, trapped in a house with abusive family members or friends, or at constant risk of losing their home. And this is on top of processing the overwhelming world with our heightened senses and dealing with people not understanding us. It breaks my heart to see this happening and it puts a damper on my hope for our kind... my hope for me.

My Dream: Assisted Living for Autistics

Image Credit: "Blue House With Flowers" by Andree Lisette Herz

You know what I'd love? An assisted living situation for people on the spectrum. For autistics of variable functioning levels, strengths and weaknesses. We'd help each other out, each person using their strength to make up for another's weakness. And for the ones who need a lot more help and/or cannot contribute, they'd be cared for by the others.

I'd like a place where flowers grow, but I'm not expected to water them. Where I can eat well without burning myself out from cooking and doing dishes. I'd do other things to make up for it, maybe by being an organizer or checking if the chore were done, or doing daily/weekly checkups on the other aspies/autistic people to ensure they're getting what they need.

I'd like a place where my strengths are valued and my weaknesses are accepted. A place where stimming and being our "weird" selves is totally normal. A place with soundproof walls and doors to allow as much privacy for each person as possible. A place with big rooms with everything a person could need, like a mini apartment with a kitchenette, a small living room, a bed--and be customizable based on the resident's needs and preferences. And definitely, absolutely, a place where we are valued as human beings and not seen as a defective charity case, but a PERSON deserving of a full life with equal parts support and personal growth.

Life Update ~ I'm Bald! xD

I got scammed into shaving my head. :D I didn't want my hair, anyway. I think a pixie cut would look good on me...

P.S. The bearded viking dude in the video is Matt Rhodes, from the documentary "Through Our Eyes: Living with Asperger's" and my fiancé! ^_^

(Video Transcript)
Remember my long flowing red hair? Yeah, it's gone now. And I feel great.

Honestly, I've been wanting to shave my head for a long time because my hair has always been a sensory nightmare for me.
I was aware of it 24/7, it got caught on everything, and it took a lot of time just keeping it clean and non-greasy and not tangled.

It feels so much better now. There's so many advantages to having it this short.
1. I don't have to worry about my hair getting wet in the rain or frizzy in humidity.
2. I don't have to keep a hair tie on my wrist all the time.
3. I can actually roll my windows down in my car and it won't wreck my hair.

Also, I've been told I look badass like this. A friend told me that I remind him of Furiosa from Mad Max. I'll admit I feel more confident knowing that. And I think people would be less likely to try to pick a fight with me if I look tougher. And maybe they'd take me more seriously.

I feel more bold and more honest this way. And I feel like it's allowed me to give more attention to things that I value more, like creative hobbies and daily tasks I need to do.

To be honest, while I did want to shave my head anyway,
I was actually scammed into it. I've heard of people selling their hair online, usually for wig makers, and my hair was apparently really valuable because red is a rare color.

So I listed it on a website, and usually you're not supposed to cut it until you have a buyer--just to keep it as fresh as possible. So I held off on cutting it and waited for a buyer because hey--it's money, and I need money. I didn't get any buyers for about month, not even anyone inquiring about it,
but eventually I came across an ad from a buyer looking for specific hair, and got in contact with them. We made an agreement, I followed the terms and cut my hair, but this guy refused to pay.

That was partially my fault because I already knew it was bad idea to cut my hair before the payment, but honestly I was so sick of my hair at that point, that I was willing to take a risk.

And another advantage of having no/short hair: I can wear hats now! I used to not be able to wear them because I hated getting hat hair and the feeling of my hair being greasy.

Anyway, I just wanted to explain WHY I'm bald so you guys won't be left confused. :D

(Note: I plan on letting it grow out to a pixie cut, since my Muffin [Matt] thinks it'd look good on me. I think so too. ^^)

---

Support Alyssa & Matt's independence ➤ http://www.gofundme.com/alyssa-matt-aspie-love

Asperger's Documentary ➤ https://youtu.be/2TSlti5bioQ
Asperger's/Autism Support Groups & Resources ➤ https://goo.gl/Bd10tg

Subscribe ➤ https://www.youtube.com/user/AlyssaHuberFilms
Alyssa Huber Films [Official Website] ➤ http://www.alyssahuberfilms.com
My Asperger's Blog ➤ http://life-of-an-aspie.blogspot.com/
Facebook ➤ http://www.facebook.com/AlyssaHuberFilms
Twitter ➤ https://twitter.com/alyssahubfilms

The Sims ~ It's For Autistic People, Too

How can an introverted aspie (person with Asperger's Syndrome / Autism Spectrum Disorder) possibly enjoy a people simulator?

I often feel like an alien among people, but I've always loved The Sims. I wanted to talk about my experience with this game as someone who hates socializing.

The Sims 2 and 3 were among my favorite childhood games. The most popular people simulator had me hooked, and filling each Sims "needs" bars and granting their wishes was satisfying to me.

After a long hiatus, I decided to dust off Sims 3 and play it again. I couldn't load my old saves, so I had to start from scratch. I made a Sim based on myself (as I usually do; it feels the most comfortable), with my appearance, personality traits, interests, etc. I didn't make any more Sims beyond that, because I wanted this to be my private world and experience. 

Me in my little world

Playing this game again made me realize some things.


#1. I play it for the control, not the social aspect

Finally, I can keep things clean.

I do enjoy creating Sims and living vicariously through them, but I enjoy being able to control the environment and the actions of the Sims even more. The social aspect (having my Sims go to work/school, hang out with friends, date, have sex etc.) used to be fun for me (I didn't have close connections back then), but my current disillusion with life has made that part of the game less appealing. In real life, my experiences with people have made me want to withdraw even more, and I also realize that I have very little control over the world (and people) around me. There are some things that can go wrong in The Sims--like the stove bursting into flames, wetting your pants, Sims dying etc.--but unlike the real world, they do not phase me at all, and each problem has a predictable solution.


#2. Being unemployed is totally okay

Unemployed ≠ Unproductive

I can customize my Sims, my house, and the lives of my Sims in any way I wish (especially with cheats). I wanted to try playing without cheats for once, but that meant no money magically appearing out of nowhere. That meant my Sims had to make the money themselves, but I was dreading the idea of joining the workforce. My real-life distaste for 9-5 jobs somehow made it difficult for me to separate that from my gaming experience. But I realized I didn't HAVE to join the workforce if I didn't want to.

Instead, I decided to be a starving artist who makes money selling weirdly-titled paintings (like "What Am I Looking At" and "Cubed Dreams"), rocks I found, and fish I caught. It gave me a sense of pride, paying my Sim's bills by doing what I really wanted to without the need for a 9-5 job. I desperately have wished that for my real life. But I'm grateful to feel that sense of pride and dignity, even if it's in a game, because it's awful hard to feel that when you're unemployed and unable to live off your hobbies.


#3. I can be alone.

I can always chat online to fill that Social meter.

I considered having my Sim date, but for some reason it didn't feel right. The childish side of me decided boys are icky, at least in the context of the game, and I didn't have to navigate the annoyances of gaining someone's love and trust. It's fun in real life, but the game is meant to be relaxing to me, not emotionally taxing. I didn't want my Sim to make too many friends, either. It works well anyway because I gave her the "loner" personality trait.

For me, The Sims doesn't have to be like reality... because it's not. It may just be a simulation, but it's a customizable, therapeutic one for me, at least right now while I'm still interested in playing it. It's been comforting to me so far, having a bubble of control like that. I need to engage with similar hobbies like playing The Sims more often to help relieve the anxiety that reality causes.


#4. I'm not much different from other humans

Talking on the phone about chicken... doesn't everyone do that?

In my mind, I tend to separate myself as an "alien" who is more flawed than everyone else. I went into it thinking that I can't relate--I mean, it's a people game--but turns out I was just trying to live my life as I wanted to, just like most people do.

I guess I'm more "normal" than I think I am. All humans have basic needs, wishes and ambitions, and are bound by time like I am. I don't often think about that, and end up placing incredibly high standards on myself; if I'm not doing great things, I'm nothing. This tends to be counterproductive, however, and drags me into depression. Playing The Sims reminds me that there is nothing wrong with ordinary life, daily activities, and taking breaks to fulfill needs.

I'm also reminded that there is only so much time in a day. I think The Sims does a pretty good job of making tasks take a realistic amount of time (at least for me), and makes me not feel so guilty about not completing the extensive lists I give myself in one day. For example, I allowed myself to split up my recent vlogs (will be posted soon) into smaller steps: I set aside a day for filming, another for editing, and another for uploading to YouTube. It's made me more productive and not give up on it before I've even started.

I want to keep feeling like this. Human. I'm not as alien as my brain would like me to believe. I'm not the only one with flaws and limitations. It's not wrong or bad to be that way, it's just human--and that means I'm not alone. I mean, I WANT to be alone because I hate socializing, but it's good to know I'm not the only freak in an already freakish world.

My Websites Are Down! Access Them Here.

My website domains are currently down and won't be working until 8/6/18, so please access my websites with these URLs until then:

Alyssa Huber Films (Freelance Filmmaking Website)
http://alyssahuberfilms.blogspot.com/

The Life of an Aspie (Asperger's Blog)
http://life-of-an-aspie.blogspot.com/

Thanks, and have a great day!
~Alyssa

"Through Our Eyes" Extended Edition DVD ~ Get it here

If you've recently attended one of the screenings of "Through Our Eyes: Living with Asperger's" and want to get a DVD copy of the 50-minute extended edition, you can purchase one here!

The DVD includes a 50-minute extended edition of the documentary, plus an extra 50+ minutes of interview footage with parents and experts.

Watch the trailer below!

If you'd prefer a streaming version (online video), you can access it here. Simply create an account and follow the instructions on the page.

Texting Addiction - A Real Problem for Mental Health

Our all-too-common texting/messaging/checking addiction reminds me of Pavlov's Dogs. We might not salivate when we hear the *ding* of our phones, but like Pavlov's dogs, we anticipate a reward, which in turn drives us to check our messages.

Checking things (especially messages and notifications) is one of my OCD compulsions, so I have to be extra guarded against this loop because it can cause extreme anxiety.

Some of my solutions:

1. Disabling all notifications! (Or at least sounds.) This includes texts, the Messenger app, my email, games, everything. If people REALLY need to reach me, they can call my phone.
2. Making Facebook annoying to access on my smartphone. I can't quite block it, but I can remove my browser from my home screen and delete any bookmarks or "quick access" links related to Facebook. I also hacked my phone, deleted Google Chrome and downloaded an unbearably slow browser instead.
3. FB Purity browser extension on desktop computer. I disable my newsfeed, pop-up notifications, ads, and anything that will set off that dopamine loop. If I want to know what someone's been up to, I go to their profile.
4. Buying a flip phone as my main phone, and smartphone will be only for "free time." That way I can charge my smartphones in the other room overnight (having it next to my bed is a terrible idea)
   

My Facebook looks like this when I load it up...

Unsatisfying, right? But the idea behind it is to stop exhausting my brain's reward system. If I am really curious about something, I can search for it manually. It's much more rewarding that way, in my opinion, and much less overloading.

(I wish I could get rid of the notification badges on the top bar too, but the extension doesn't have that option unfortunately. 😞)

You can find the above video in my Mental Health Resources playlist on YouTube. I believe that managing smartphone addiction is important in improving one's mental health.