Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Current Mental Health: Utterly Horrid.

Current Mental Health: Utterly Horrid.

For the past 10 years, I've swung between "I'm okay" and "please kill me."

I can name a few specific stressors that may have contributed to this, "typical" ones that could happen to anyone (like a new home, breakups, or trauma), but I often wonder if the majority of it is my incompatibility with this world as an Autistic person.

Things keep changing, I can't process them. Everything is too loud and bright and itchy and overwhelming. Daily living tasks can seem incredibly daunting.

My reactions are becoming more and more extreme over time and I don't know why. I sometimes go nonverbal, and sob all day, wishing I could cease to exist.

I see other autism advocates online posting such great and helpful content, and I want to do that too. I have a bazillion ideas of what to talk about, but it somehow never makes it way to my blog or YouTube channel because I'm so beaten down by simply existing and dealing with mental illness. I cannot stress enough how much I want to contribute more to the autism community, and you amazing people reading this.

I'm an adult, and while my parents are very gracious and don't expect me to be a superhero, I have high expectations of myself. I want to be entirely self-sufficient and it destroys me knowing that I can't be.

I've not worked since 2012 due to going to college, and while social security benefits (I'm disabled) have been a lifesaver, I've felt trapped due to the income restrictions and the possibility that I will always have to remain poor to keep receiving the help I need (food stamps, SSI, Medicaid/Medicare, etc).

I know deep down that being forced to remain poor is entirely unacceptable. I may have limitations, but that should not bar me from living a fulfilling life and having some financial freedom. I want to go out and do fun things more often: see a movie, go out to eat with friends, etc.... I know there's a lot I can do for free, but I wish I could do more. Maybe go on vacation someday if I'm lucky, or travel. Visit Internet friends in other countries and try new things. At the very least... I'd love to be able to pay for therapeutic things like a chiropractor (I'm all out of shape), yoga classes, massages or anything that I know will improve my health and quality of life.

That's hard when my SSI doesn't even cover the cheapest rent in existence and I have no choice but to live with someone generous enough to tolerate my presence, and my inability to pay for anything or contribute to the household.

I look around and see other autistics in the same boat as me. Though many are worse off, either not eligible for financial help or cannot support themselves, trapped in a house with abusive family members or friends, or at constant risk of losing their home. And this is on top of processing the overwhelming world with our heightened senses and dealing with people not understanding us. It breaks my heart to see this happening and it puts a damper on my hope for our kind... my hope for me.


  1. Very sorry to hear how bad you are feeling these days.

    Do you currently have any autistic friends who live near you? Or a local support group you can attend?

    1. I've actually been looking into that within the past few days. The closest group is over an hour away but I'm gonna try attending it tomorrow.

      Most of my friends are autistic, including local in-person friends. I've just been isolating myself a lot for a long time.

    2. Were you able to go to the meeting? If so, how was it?

      It's great that you have local autistic friends. Hopefully you and they can find a way to turn your set of friends into an organized group of some kind?

  2. Hi Alyssa.
    I am sorry to hear about your mood. Till seeing your documentary, I suspected I could be an Asperger, but hearing from you made me understand that I am possibly far away from it.
    I wish I could say that I understand (empathize) how you feel. Unfortunately, when the matter is pain, everyone lives his/her own hell.
    I feel you're in a kind of depression. I remember years that my soul fed by melancholy. These days, I read a book: "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden" from Joanne Greenberg. It may surprise you, if you are ready to get surprised of course.
    Good luck my friend.
    Okay Ugurlu

  3. Hey, I know how you feel. I remember being 9years old and learned about abortion. I was angry with my mother for not aborting me. She is gone now and I regret telling her that but life is hard for an aspi and we often feel alone. If it wasn’t for my wife, I would not be here. If you ever need someone to talk to, please send a message my way. I probably won’t do a good job making you feel better but I can offer you perspective.