Monday, November 18, 2013

Wrestling With Myself (Part 2) - The Reset Button

Does my lack of motivation hint at depression? Why am I so bitter? Will my bitterness turn into arrogance? Am I losing myself from all I've endured?

I often ask myself these questions as my "pressure gauge" rises, after stress builds up. It needs to be released somehow, and though I know myself well, it's sometimes difficult for me to figure out how to find relief when I've reached that point. The only way to release all that pressure is to press the reset button.

Sometimes, the reset button is right in front of me, clear as day. Other times, it can be hard to find. It could be something as simple as going outside, or it could akin to an unsolvable puzzle at the end of a long and dangerous journey.

In this case, it was a nap.

Pretty simple, huh? All it took was a nap to restart my system and set all my dials and meters to their default state.

But it made a world of a difference . . .

I am unable to recall how I felt, or why. Certainly this is an advantage of having a poor memory and emotional dissociation. My self-confidence has been restored. I know who I am, and while I am different from the NT's, I have my own strengths. Patience, determination, skill... and after all the bitterness disappears, a beautiful simplicity. I like using the analogy of me as a computer, because I often picture myself as an easy-to-use laptop with a minimalist design. I also tend to be more intellectual than emotional, valuing logic over "following my gut." Even with my artistic side, planning and organization seem to dictate my creativity. I've also been told I'm honest, reliable, and a give practical advice. I'm actually quite shy about mentioning these things to avoid bragging... I just wanted to share the things that restore my sense of self-value when I'm reminded that I have them.
I recently found a blog post with a list of positive aspie traits, and I possess all but seven of them, and far as I'm aware.
Read the list here.
(The ones I cannot relate to are 21, 32, 34, 35, 39, 46, 49. I think most of the sports/physical activity-related ones aren't applicable to everyone on the spectrum.)
Comment below if you find these traits among other aspies!

I feel energized, motivated, and free! I've been able to function enough to pump out thousands of words for my research papers that are due soon. I've gone a whole day without getting brainfog. The weekend has been conquered, and the weekdays lie ahead. I even walked nearly two miles to church without giving it a second thought after missing my ride, and here I am, still fully aware and cognitively functioning well at 1:00am.

I dunno about you, but I'm ready for another adventure.

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