Keeping Enthusiasm Alive in the Real World

Remember my last blog post, I Don't Wanna Grow Up? I talked about how I wanted to regain my childlike mindset. As someone on the autism spectrum, I realized that a big part of that (for me) is keeping my “obsessive interests” alive.

Now, obsessing can be good or bad. What I discuss in this vlog is an example of "bad" obsessing for me: https://youtu.be/GjhMafIo6ik

But in this post, I'm talking about a GOOD kind of obsessing, involving extreme interest in things that HELP--not HINDER--one's mental health. I’ll call them “enthusiams,” to distinguish from the “bad” obsessing. For instance, it's not necessarily bad if an aspie really loves video games, as long as it doesn't hinder their ability to function normally. An Enthusiasm should provide an aspie relief from stress and keep them content.

However, it is more difficult to maintain Enthusiams as one gets older, for many reasons. For me, it affects...

1. Friendships: Over-enthusiasm can freak people out or bore them to death. (i.e. talking about Pokemon for two hours straight)
2. Productivity: I lose interest in things I SHOULD be doing.
3. Time: Time flies, and I'm not getting any younger.
4. "Better" Things: I had a feeling that I was "missing out" on life. (for the record, I was wrong--my brain is WAY better than what the Real World has to offer)

MY ENTHUSIAMS
One example of an Enthusiam for me:
My childhood interest in superheroes and cartoons.

I was a HUGE fan of CARTOON NETWORK in the 90's and early 2000's, and my favorite show was Teen Titans. I didn't just like the show... I felt the show. What I mean by this is that I was so emotionally invested in it that I felt like I was a part of it, and turning off the TV to live real life again was a Shock to my system.

I also had a serious crush on Beast Boy.

When I got older, my interests changed and I became obsessed with pirates. I "lived" the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

I wanted to live out my fantasy of being a pirate, so I decided to make my own pirate movie. The finished film is by no means professional, but it was one of my biggest dreams I had ever accomplished, so I am proud of it!
(You can watch the film here.)

 Big shoutout to my awesome friends and family who helped me produce it!

Like with my previous interests, a defining feature of each of these Enthusiams is the Shock factor of coming back to reality. As you can imagine, I had to experience this “shock" more and more often as reality creeped to the forefront of my adult life. Hence, reasons not to pursue obsessions have been DRILLED into my brain over time. Whenever I felt a new Enthusiasm developing, I didn't let it surface. I had to keep up with everyone else.

I know this is why my mental health has declined as I've grown older. In the Real World, so many things pull you back into REALITY. A schedule to keep up with, events to prepare for, bills to pay, emails to reply to, social obligations, people to listen to, family to attend to, etc. etc. It makes me depressed, anxious, and numb.

All of this makes it very difficult to maintain hobbies and even any desire for them--and they often leave me with a lingering sense of futility. This is very sad, because my Enthusiams have been a huge part of my life. Without them, I am depressed and apathetic.

I didn't even notice at first that I was losing my Enthusiasm. But as years passed, I slowly realized what was happening, and I was scared that I would lose it forever.
But it wasn't too late for me.


REGAINING MY ENTHUSIASM
After a mental breakdown that led to me taking a semester off school, I focused solely on improving my mental health. This journey has taken me through all the things I hate about myself, like my workaholic tendencies and inability to focus. I realized that I have been limiting myself, and I need to allow myself to enjoy things no matter how odd they may seem. I need to follow my creative desires wherever they may take me, without worrying too much about other people or the boundaries of the Real World.

This opened up my heart and mind to seek new Enthusiasms. I am starting to watch more cartoons and movies, avoiding the strictly "gourmet" 90's kid mindset. There are a lot of great hobbies and media to enjoy in this generation, even if they are different! You just gotta look for them.

Two shows I have been obsessing over recently are Gravity Falls and Steven Universe (lol don't judge, 90's kids). My interest is Gravity Falls is waning a little now that it's over, so I've switched to Steven Universe. I NEVER thought I'd watch that show--I assumed it was cruddy like a lot of other new cartoons.


And now, I can't even express how much I like Steven Universe and how much it has helped me since it became my new obsession. The story is skillfully structured and the characters are interesting. I love the fantasy  elements and the variety in the show, and I never thought there'd be so many feels in it! It is also a well-developed world that shows many perspectives.

I find the characters refreshing and relateable. None are stuffed into a stereotype and they are very complex. They are more like real people than I've seen in other cartoons, and more importantly, they are like MY people... they show traits that aren’t often represented positively in the media, like anxiety and OCD tendencies (*ahem* Pearl), yet these traits are normalized in the show.

Everything must be just so.

I could go on for hours about Steven Universe, but alas, this is a blog post, not a TV show review.


FINDING A BALANCE
So how does an aspie maintain Enthusiasms while living in the Real World?
It's not easy, but it’s doable.

I realize that while my Enthusiams can no longer be the sole focus of my life, they can linger even when I'm doing other things. I could be playing a mental montage of my favorite moments from Steven Universe while I do the dishes, or ponder ideas for Vael while watering the plants, or monologue my next blog post to myself while driving places.

While I embrace my Enthusiasms, I have to manage my feelings about them--sometimes I despise Real World tasks for taking me away from what I love , even if it's just for a short time. Or, I get WAY too into my obsession and it starts to feel wrong.

Either way, I should not have a negative association with them.
I may run into issues like this otherwise:

1. I will stop functioning normally in favor of my obsessions
2. I will set aside my obsessions completely to live a "normal" yet depressed life.
   (^ My black-and-white all-or-nothing thinking right there.)

In the aspie world of black-and-white (as well as "all-or-nothing") thinking, it's especially important to find a balance, as I have stated in previous posts.

With practice, I've learned to suppress my obsessions just enough so that they are manageable, but not so much that I can't enjoy them. Like I mentioned earlier,  it helps me to think about them while doing other things to motivate me. It's actually quite easy for me since I'm an imaginative visual thinker. I can "become" my Enthusiam if I wish to, even if that interest has nothing to do with what's in front of me in the Real World (i.e. errands, dishes).

Becoming My Obsession
If I have been watching a show, playing a game, etc. often enough, specific elements of them (usually characters or places) stick in my head as images.

While the images are incredibly varied in content and detail, I get a lot of facial expressions to either match or influence my mood.
{Character: Pearl from Steven Universe)

In the same way, images of familiar places from media also reflect or change my mood.
{Images in order: “Spritied Away,” “Zelda: Majora’s Mask,” “Shadow of the Colossus,” “RealMyst”)

My mind can easily mesh with the feelings or "aura" I associate with those images. When I was younger, sometimes my outward actions would reflect this inward state. Here is one example, with me acting in a short play I wrote:

This is me mimickinglicking a specific hand gesture of Guybrush Threepwood, a pirate character I liked at the time.

When I was in college, my stress levels suppressed my visual mind. So I couldn't "become" my obsessions anymore, for a long time. But I regained this ability after taking the semester off, and it's helped me a lot!

Currently, the character my mind chose to fixate on is Pearl from Steven Universe (it’s probably obvious, considering the above images), since I identify with her the most, and her demeanor and movements often reflect how I feel. She is also prone to being a little neurotic like I am. :P

Allowing the Obsession
I have found that by allowing myself to engage with my Enthusiasm on a daily basis (or at least every other day), I function better with other tasks. One thing I try hard NOT to do though, is to use my obsession as a reward for other tasks. Enthusiasms or “obsessive interests” for aspies are more like coping mechanisms, not privileges. There should be at least one activity of intense interest that is allowed routinely.
For me, it is crucial to my sanity.

My Enthusiasms changes sometimes, so I always plan to do what I am currently interested in until it serves its purpose. Usually I know to change my routine interest once I no longer feel any excitement over my current one. It can be anything--a particular TV show, a video game, sitting in the sun, drawing, etc.


MORAL OF THE STORY
Overall, it is crucial for aspies to engage with their interests.
Obsessions can be good or bad depending on whether it helps or hinders their daily functioning. From my experience, it helps to get to know your own needs and what feels natural to you, and to find your own method of balancing interaction with Your World and the Real World.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

I seem to feel the most content when I am pretending.

And not my everyday pretending, like pretending to be normal, pretending to be okay, etc.

What I mean is... childlike pretending. Really getting into the story of something, focusing on the details, projecting my awareness onto specific characters or things. It's as if I become someone else for a little while.

I was playing Skyrim today, and instead of just playing through quests mindlessly and only focusing on visuals and action, I listened to the characters, focused on a story (aka quest), and read the books associated with that one story.

I found related books and characters in Oblivion and it excited me. For once in a long time, I was interested in the lore, not just the gameplay.

 

The quests I focused on was "Seeking Your Roots" in Oblivion and "Return to Your Roots" in Skyrim.

Both quests involved an ambitious alchemist named Sinderion.

To get into the lore of a game, movie, or TV series requires a level of pretending. "Suspending disbelief," if you will. Rather than just watching something or playing something, you get involved.

And suddenly, the fake food is real, like in the movie "Hook." You can finally taste it. 🍴

I also find that allowing myself a break from reality helps... I like to view myself as if I am living a story. It can be anything. I mean, I used to pretend I was a pirate.

Yarr, I be swashbucklin' in a non-threatening way!

My back deck was a ship, and I even made hardtack to add to the experience.

It didn't taste that good.

And my childhood blanket tents--to me--were real tents out in the wilderness. Not just a bunch of blankets, but a real sanctuary where I truly felt safe.

Now that I'm older, it's not so easy. You can't just dress up like a pirate and not feel a little embarrassed... At least, I can't. I feel like I'm expected to act more mature now that I'm 24 years old. But if being too stifled to play dress up and make blanket tents is what being an adult is, I sure as heck don't want to be an adult.

However, for a while, I was able to maintain the mindset of pretend play without the accessories. I used to pretend my house was a hotel, and I "paid rent" for my room. I used pop tabs as currency, and kept them in a little pouch. Throughout the day I would earn poptabs by doing mundane, everyday, boring adult tasks.

I don't need motivation like that anymore, but now my life feels like it's lacking something. There's no spice to it. It's just me going through the motions, fulfilling responsibilities, doing things I don't particularly enjoy, putting on a fake smile while doing them, and limiting my behavior to what is considered "mature."

When kids grow up, things start disappearing. No more silly dancing and singing. No more toys on the floor. No more days where the clock doesn't matter. Suddenly, they want to look more like the grownups. But why?? Shouldn't children be examples to us, with their simple wisdom and carefree enjoyment? We should be more like them!

I really want my childhood back. I need to fight to keep that mindset alive, lest it be crushed by everyday realities. I am going to keep fighting...

___________________________

Liked this post? Check out this great video by Chloe Hayden (aka Princess Aspien), a vlogger with Asperger's who doesn't want to grow up!

  

Dealing with Disappointment (When You Have Asperger's)

I don't handle disappointment well.

I'm dealing with it right now, even. This blog post is my way of coping, because if I let it get to me, it'll ruin my whole day.

Here's what's bugging me:

• A friend said she'd come over today, but she can't now because she's not feeling well. She has a lot of health problems so I do understand. I just made the mistake of looking forward to it. I cannot rely on anything, because if I do, I run the risk of being disappointed.

• I also thought someone made breakfast, but none was to be found... I was hungry. Another disappointment. 

• My new editing software didn't arrive in the mail yet, even though it was supposed to arrive today at the latest. I can't get back to work until I get that software. Disappointed again.

• I've missed exercising in my routine several times this week because other tasks took longer than expected. I hope I'm not losing progress.

Now, these may seem fairly minor to most people. And even I think they are minor! In fact, I can't help but view my pouty reactions through the eyes of "normal" people, and see myself as a toddler throwing a tantrum.

But I was expecting pancakes!!

^ I don't want to look like that.

I want to move on like everyone else! But my brain just can't handle it. I try, I really, really try. But I can't.

I'm lucky that I can hide my inward reactions, so hardly anyone can tell when I'm disappointed. I don't want them to know, because they won't understand what led up to it. Most people don't see the tiny stressors building up: routine changes, unexpected events, people not sticking to their word, etc. They only see the end result, which in children on the spectrum (and some adults, even) is either a meltdown resembling a tantrum, or a shutdown resembling non-compliance. I can keep myself from melting down or shutting down because I've learned how to control it over time, but it just makes me depressed later when I'm alone.

I used to have meltdowns when I was little--I'd kick holes in walls and whine excessively. I don't do those things anymore though; instead, I keep it all inside until my anxiety inflates to the point where I can't even take care of myself anymore.


CHANGING AN ATTITUDE IS MORE THAN CHANGING BEHAVIOR

I have accepted the fact that my reactions to these things will always be extreme, but it doesn't stop me from getting annoyed and wanting to change it somehow. Not just any outward reactions that may sneak out (i.e. seemingly irrational complaints or anger), but also my inward struggle with change. That's why I'm here, writing this post. It is helping distract me, at least.

An important thing to know about Asperger's: You can cover up a behavior as much as you want, but that alone won't fix the mental stress that causes it.
Problems need to be tackled from the inside out. See this video for a better explanation: "How Asperger's Works" from Asperger's Experts
I think it's better to take that sort of approach, rather than methods that strictly focus on behaviors, such as ABA therapy. "What is ABA?" from Ask an Autistic

Thing is, I don't want to just refrain from lashing out or whining or voicing my discontent. For sure, I don't want to annoy people or hurt their feelings! But I feel it is more important for me to look inward, to figure out what I can do to lessen the impact of unexpected changes and redirect my focus in a healthy way. For years I have only stuffed it down or ignored it, as I felt that maintaining an appearance of outward normality was more important than my inward well-being.

...wow. I came to this conclusion just now. My original draft of this post just screamed "I WANT TO BE NORMAL!!" and I didn't even realize it. This could be a reason for my feelings of anxiety, desperation, and alienation in my life. This could be why I feel like every time I voice a need, I am just whining or seeking attention. This is why I haven't prioritized my own thoughts and opinions in the past and seen them as equal to others.

I feel more human now.


TACKLING THE PROBLEM: UNEXPECTED CHANGES

A disappointment can ruin my day unless I own up to it. It's like a monster I have to fight.

Kinda like this guy.

I didn't want to it to win, so I replaced my original expectations with new ones I know can be achieved.

I decided I would go to the library today to write this. For sure I will make this blog post! This is something I can control. My mom also made breakfast for me because I asked and explained I couldn't handle it today (usually I make my own breakfast--I'm a big girl. I'm lucky to have a mom who understands my issues though). I also decided to watch a movie with Matt (my fiancé) when I got back because we are both available to.

My backup plan was to play video games if plans didn't work out. Backup plans are helpful, too.

I just have to keep in mind that anything new I put into my schedule takes some time to warm up to.
My brain likes to resist change... perhaps it thinks it's a disease? :P


CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

I wonder sometimes whether other people's reactions to the concerns of ASD individuals, like distress over disappointments, would make a difference for particular aspies. I know it has helped me, as my family is understanding about my anxieties, but I sometimes still feel bad about my reactions, because they can be perceived as me being wimpy or immature. I'm constantly fighting my longing to look normal with my desire to be myself.

But like I said earlier, I'm still slowly climbing out of that rut.
My needs are more important than how other people perceive me or react to me.

In conclusion, here are some things that help me deal with disappointment and unexpected change:
- Replacement plans
- Backup plans for the replacement plans
- Time to process the change
- Willingness to face the anxiety or carry on in spite of it

How do you deal with change? Have you ever felt guilty for struggling with it (or for any of your differences?) How do you balance your own needs with external pressures? Comment below with your thoughts, I always appreciate your feedback!

Happy World Autism Acceptance Day!

Happy World Autism Acceptance Day! I made a post on my personal Facebook explaining what it's like for me to be autistic. The specific traits I describe are a huge part of who I am as a unique individual... but there's not just deficits! Read my whole rant below for more:

Since some of my aspie friends (i.e. Sue Abramowski) are sharing what it's like being autistic from their perception, I...
Posted by Alyssa Marie Huber on Saturday, April 2, 2016

To support people like me, please see this other post below!

Happy World Autism Acceptance Day! Share this photo to support acceptance of my people! :)Other ways you can help:-...
Posted by Alyssa Marie Huber on Saturday, April 2, 2016

Additionally, you can attend this free event for Autism Awareness Month! Invite your friends, too! Just RSVP ahead of time to join us.

THE MASK OF NORMALITY - When "Normal" is a Good Thing

There is a common idea of what's considered "ideal" or "normal," in a society, and people living in that society are expected to fit that mold. But why?

Normal has its purpose. It keeps the peace and creates a common level of understanding. If everyone on earth completely dropped their "Masks of Normality," the world would probably be in chaos.

Now, I'm all for expressing oneself without fear of rejection or condemnation. But there is a time and place for every behavior. If you acted freely in every situation around every type of person, you could create a lot of enemies and hurt your reputation.

  

"Weird" Gone Wrong: Don't Be Bob

I had befriended a fellow aspie many years ago. We'll call him "Bob" for the sake of privacy.

Bob had no shame and no mask. #nofilter

He loved musical theater. So much so that he would sing and dance in public.

Kinda like this.

...inviting a lot of weird looks.

Kinda like this.

He wasn't embarrassed by his behavior because he didn't understand how other people perceived it. That didn't make it any less awkward for others around him.

Bob would always speak his mind. It was helpful in understanding his intentions, but he could be brutal when you got on his bad side. He was very cruel to me when I told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore, even though I explained my rational reasons.

Bob could have avoided losing a friend if he had masked his aggressive attitude, or better yet, sought to change it. Additionally, if he had listened to my explanation, he may have learned how to adjust his behavior in the future to avoid losing more friends. That would have been an appropriate time for him to set aside his need for self-expression to address the necessity of adapting to others.

"Normal" is Necessary!

It is necessary to have a level of normalcy. Without it, we would be rejected and avoided, like Bob. Some may confront or criticize us for being too different.

So when is normal a good thing?

Here's an example: workplaces. You have to put your best foot forward in order to get a job and to keep it. You must be formal and socially competent in an interview or you might not get the job. And while you might be more casual and relaxed around your coworkers, you probably have to be careful what you say when your boss is around.

This applies to social relationships as well. Whether it's friendship or romance, relationships require compromise. If you act the same around everyone, someone is bound to be offended, avoid you, or think you're weird. I'm all about keeping the peace; and this is why I believe that acting "normal" according to each situation is perfectly reasonable.

Finding a Balance

Life is all about balance. So how do you balance being "normal" and being yourself? As someone with Asperger's Syndrome, the struggle is real... like, really real.

We tend to go to one extreme or the other--either we oppress our true selves and give up what we want to meet expectations, or we express ourselves too much and drive people away. Some of us may swing from one to the other.

The key is not acting the same around everyone. I have certain people I talk to about certain things, and I act differently depending on who I'm with and where I am. How I act also depends on the current situation.

Safe Zones

The two things I need in order to express (facets of) myself appropriately:
1. Safe People
2. Safe Places

For instance, I probably won't make dirty jokes around my more modest friends because they may not welcome that side of me.

Rather, I'd only make them with people I am comfortable with who enjoy those types of jokes, probably in an environment where it wouldn't be a problem (i.e. I wouldn't make them in a preschool or a nursing home). Safe people, safe places.

Or, if I know someone is an atheist, I probably won't discuss religion with them. And if I had a religious disagreement with someone else, I wouldn't bring it up again in order to keep the peace.

Instead, I'll discuss religion with fellow Christians, or at church, or in my "Christian with Asperger's" Facebook group because it's meant for that. Safe people, safe places.



A good example of a "safe zone" for me is my gaming channel. It's one of my outlets for silly humor (which I cannot survive without).

       YouTube Letsplays                     Twitch Streams

Outlets for my "Aspie" Tendencies

Of course, I do have Asperger’s traits or “aspie” tendencies, so I need an outlet for those, too. For instance, verbal stimming. This involves meowing, making silly faces, and other silly noises like screeches or even fake "farts."

But I only do those things around people I am comfortable with who accept that behavior. I would seem very immature if I did that around everyone!

I used to meow a lot as a kid because I was obsessed with cats. But I stopped suddenly for years. In retrospect, I think I just didn't have an outlet where I felt like I could be myself. I also wanted to be viewed as mature. Those meow-less years were some of the saddest of my life, honestly.

I started meowing again when I met a new friend who I felt comfortable being myself around. I can verbally stim again as I used to, which is very freeing for me. Nowadays I mostly meow around my family, my fiancé, and several other close people in my life.

As reasonable as it is in some situations, acting in a way unnatural to you can be exhausting. What seems to help is having different "safe zones" where it's okay to take off the mask and be yourself. While you still can't be entirely unfiltered, I think it's great to have people who accept most facets of your personality. These people are likely to be our family, best friends, or romantic partners.

It's nice to have a break from acting "normal" every once in a while. In any case, it's part of the balancing act of "normal" vs. "natural." As long as you have a place to be your natural self, acting normal isn't so bad.

THE MASK OF NORMALITY - Hiding My True Self (An Asperger's Conundrum)

[IMPORTANT NOTE
This video contains examples of extreme autism behaviors like self-injury and sensory overload, as well as visuals to help the viewer understand the not-so-great aspects of autism.]

An Asperger's conundrum: being accepted only if I act "normal." I am not neurotypical, even if I can look like it. It's draining trying to be something I'm not.

Sadly, a lot of the more harmless Asperger's traits are shunned due to being misunderstood, while the more harmful ones may be covered up without addressing the root problem.

(Video Transcript below)

A NOTE ABOUT MY VIDEOS
Due to my Asperger's, I can't always express precisely what I'm trying to convey, so some points may be worded oddly or seem to mean something else. My mouth doesn't cooperate with my brain sometimes. Just know that these videos are meant to educate, not offend or confuse!

Also, my use of the words "us," "we," etc. is me referring to those on the autism spectrum (or human beings in general in some contexts). It's not referring to just me specifically, yet it's also not referring to every individual on the spectrum since we differ. So what I discuss may not be applicable to everyone! It is conclusions I came to based on a mix of my experience, what I've heard from experts, and what I've seen in other autistics. I do not know everyone's story or perspectives--I am only human.

So please approach this with an open mind and don't take anything personally.

COMMENTING
About commenting... I love hearing from you. So all comments, opinions, personal stories, and constructive critism are welcome and appreciated. Debate are okay, but keep them civil. HOWEVER, senseless nitpicking or outright harrassment will not be tolerated, and any abusive comments will be removed.

Thank you.

--

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

I've gotten a lot of comments both on the internet and in real life that I seem very normal. Some people don't think I have Asperger's because I look so normal. I've been described as "well-adjusted," "articulate," "capable," but what most people don't know is how much I struggle with behind-the-scenes. I have a lot of anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and being generally overwhelmed from trying to look normal 24/7, ignoring any distress I might be from my Asperger's symptoms.

So the question is, why do some aspies look normal and others don't?

I think we're all taught how to be normal from a very young age. And this applies to I think everybody, not just people on the autism spectrum. It depends on your upbringing, depends on the culture, but generally, we're expected to act like everyone else, right?

And I think the more practice that we've had, the closer to "normal" we might seem.

So overall, people on the spectrum have to wear what I call a "Mask of Normality" to hide their autistic traits. And it's not always neccessarily the bad traits; there are some natural traits that come about that some people might--for some strange reason--not want to see. Like stimming, for instance. Like, if there's a little kid who's overwhelmed, and they're at the grocery store, and the lights and noise are too much to handle, and they start spinning in circles and flapping their hands and stuff--the parent will probably feel embarrassed because that looks kind of odd, right? So they'll probably train that out of the kid. But then how do they deal with things?

This is the condundrum that we have. There are certain things we're just expected to hide, but the core problem is not fixed. We still have the core problem. The kid is still going to be overwhelmed, even more so if they can't stim, for instance.

I also wanted to point out the fact that because a lot of aspies deal with being overwhelmed so much more--from sensory overload, information overload, just being overwhelmed in general--that mask tends to slip off a little more often than the average person's "Mask of Normality."

And it makes sense--I mean, try acting normal when your senses are being completely bombarded. Try picturing you're standing right in the middle of a war, like a battlefield, and all this stuff is coming at you. Your first instinct is going to be to RUN or to FIGHT. And it's really easy to freak out. And if someone is looking at you like "Why are you acting so weird?" You're looking at them like "DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT'S GOING ON?!?"

So I'd like to emphasize that when you see somebody with Asperger's who is completely overwhelmed or overloaded, please do not expect them to respong in a normal way, because they probably won't. They're past the point of being able to pretend anymore.

Now, it's understandable why someone would want us to hide things like aggression or behaviors that are going to hurt someone, because nobody wants that, nobody wants to be hurt. And I agree, but sometimes we kinda just put a bandaid over those things, And the kid might still feel aggressive, and they'll carry that on later in life, and the core of the problem's never fixed. So I think rather than putting a mask over these things, we need to figure out a different approach for people on the spectrum.

I got this comment on my documentary which I think describes this so well. It reads:

"I'm partially annoyed by the fact that some of us have learned to mimic social behaviours of others. In MY case, it is a tiny bit of a burden. Because I act "Normal" most of the time, I can't have an Aspie moment. My mum get's annoyed about how aggressive i've been getting recently, the reason behind it is I'm putting WAY too much energy into being things that I'm not."

This is the conundrum.

It's not that we're terrible people. It's not that we want to hurt other people or offend them in any way. We're just trying way too hard to act normal. That's what I think what causes a lot of the depression, and a lot of the anxiety, and a lot of the behavioral problems. We're trying to fit into this box, and we don't want to fit into this box, but everyone wants us to!

Now, my friend Katie, she brought up this really interesting outlook on this: The world is kind of like a stage, and we are all actors on that stage. And people with Asperger's, they're put into these roles that we are not necessarily meant to be in. And so it becomes very uncomfortable after a while, trying to act like that character when it's really not you, and it's tiring, it's draining.

And yet, people look at me and they assume I don't have Asperger's, because I am so good at playing this role. It's draining, but I'm really good at playing it. Now, in my case, my normal traits, those are the only ones I tend to show in public. So that includes even being with my friends--even if they know I have Asperger's. To them, I look normal 80% of the time, because when I'm around them, I'm normal. 
But that's not the real me 80% of the time. The real me 80% of the time is quiet and focused, I don't have as much capacity to listen sometimes--I actually made a list here of some of the traits that I have:

ALYSSA REALLY IS... (Asperger's Deficits)
- Obsessive / Perfectionist
- Can't hear you when extremely focuses
- Rants a lot
- Thinks "in a circle" or broadly before getting to the point
- Messes up verbally sometimes
- Misinterprets others and is misinterpreted
- Misreads emotions

This is why I prefer spending a great deal of time alone (among other reasons), cuz I don't want people to see all these things about me that they might not like. And I need a lot of rest from trying to act normal.

Also, the only reason (among other reasons) why I can look normal is because I make a realistic plan for social ocassions, and I prepare myself ahead of time. Even for this video, I prepared myself ahead of time. I've kind of got a rough transcript I'm reading from, but I had to rant this out over and over and over before I could actually be articulate for the video.

Since my deficits are highlighted often... I sometimes forget to mention my strengths (I don't like bragging publicly). However, I will list the positives, too. Because they are important.

I...
- Am a "thorough" learner. I can quickly become an expert at almost anything I am interested in.
- Like everyone regardless of their differences.
- Can focus intensely for long periods of time (i.e. It took me two days straight aside from eating and sleeping to make this video.)
- Can analyze objectively without emotions geting in the way (mostly)
- Have a very strong visual mind, vivid dreams, imagination, etc. and an overall rich perception of life (sort of like being high...)
- Have deep self-awareness and insight
- Work thoroughly and skillfully, when given proper time frame

These are things I don't want to hide. But our society seems to value social competence and verbal skills more than these. I value them, though. They are who I am.

My advice from what I have learned recently: Don't hide who you are.
Even if no one seems to care about the real you. 
Even if they don't approve of the real you.
Even if the real you doesn't meet their expectations.

No need to pretend. 
No need to apologize.
We're not here to impress everyone.

True happiness (and self-acceptance) can be found when we take off the mask.


Even if it's just for a little while.

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