Saturday, May 7, 2016

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

I seem to feel the most content when I am pretending.

And not my everyday pretending, like pretending to be normal, pretending to be okay, etc.

What I mean is... childlike pretending. Really getting into the story of something, focusing on the details, projecting my awareness onto specific characters or things. It's as if I become someone else for a little while.

I was playing Skyrim today, and instead of just playing through quests mindlessly and only focusing on visuals and action, I listened to the characters, focused on a story (aka quest), and read the books associated with that one story.

I found related books and characters in Oblivion and it excited me. For once in a long time, I was interested in the lore, not just the gameplay.

The quests I focused on was "Seeking Your Roots" in Oblivion and "Return to Your Roots" in Skyrim.
Both quests involved an ambitious alchemist named Sinderion.

To get into the lore of a game, movie, or TV series requires a level of pretending. "Suspending disbelief," if you will. Rather than just watching something or playing something, you get involved.

And suddenly, the fake food is real, like in the movie "Hook." You can finally taste it. 🍴

I also find that allowing myself a break from reality helps...
I like to view myself as if I am living a story. It can be anything. I mean, I used to pretend I was a pirate.

Yarr, I be swashbucklin' in a non-threatening way!

My back deck was a ship, and I even made hardtack to add to the experience.

It didn't taste that good.

And my childhood blanket tents--to me--were real tents out in the wilderness. Not just a bunch of blankets, but a real sanctuary where I truly felt safe.

Now that I'm older, it's not so easy. You can't just dress up like a pirate and not feel a little embarrassed... At least, I can't. I feel like I'm expected to act more mature now that I'm 24 years old. But if being too stifled to play dress up and make blanket tents is what being an adult is, I sure as heck don't want to be an adult.

However, for a while, I was able to maintain the mindset of pretend play without the accessories. I used to pretend my house was a hotel, and I "paid rent" for my room. I used pop tabs as currency, and kept them in a little pouch. Throughout the day I would earn poptabs by doing mundane, everyday, boring adult tasks.

I don't need motivation like that anymore, but now my life feels like it's lacking something. There's no spice to it. It's just me going through the motions, fulfilling responsibilities, doing things I don't particularly enjoy, putting on a fake smile while doing them, and limiting my behavior to what is considered "mature."

When kids grow up, things start disappearing. No more silly dancing and singing. No more toys on the floor. No more days where the clock doesn't matter. Suddenly, they want to look more like the grownups. But why?? Shouldn't children be examples to us, with their simple wisdom and carefree enjoyment? We should be more like them!

I really want my childhood back. I need to fight to keep that mindset alive, lest it be crushed by everyday realities. I am going to keep fighting...


Liked this post? Check out this great video by Chloe Hayden (aka Princess Aspien), a vlogger with Asperger's who doesn't want to grow up!



  1. Replies
    1. More than one person has suggested this to me before, and I honestly think I'd like it! I'd probably only go with a friend though, and I have yet to find one who does LARPing currently...

  2. Join a renaissance fair guild, it's what worked for me.

  3. i fight that good fight everyday

  4. Second LARPing and cosplay @ Anime/comic books conventions

  5. Do you know much about your Huber family

  6. I feel exactly the same way. There's no point in growing up - you can certainly grow older without losing your childlike enthusiasm for life, and so many people don't understand that. Those people are boring and become the stereotypical "bad" adults depicted in cartoons (by cartoonists, who incidentally are good at growing older without growing up - I know this since I am one).

    Also, I know I'm showing my age with this, but when I read the title in my mind I immediately followed "I don't wanna grow up" with "'cause I'm a Toys R Us kid." Oops.

    1. We all have a Toys R Us kid deep down... some deeper than others. :P

  7. I hated my childhood, so honestly - I don't give a potatoe about growing up. I always wanted to be serious, I hated my stupid peers. And it's my goal to live as a adult man - it doesn't work well yet, through. I don't like fantasy, because reality is much more complex and interesting.