Thursday, July 20, 2017

I wish I could say more

I am very hesitant to write here often for many reasons. First, I question my own sanity as I often have conflicting thoughts and feelings. I have to think very carefully about what I really want to say.

I may be social in my everyday life, but on a deeper level I'm very reserved and hesitant to share anything personal at all... I think a lot of this is because I really don't want to deal with the emotional triggers associated with my deepest thoughts. It's anxiety-inducing talking about what's causing me anxiety!

Most of the time, I just don't have a ton to say. I only want to open my mouth if it benefits the world somehow. My documentary is probably my most extensive message, and it will take me many years to get that many organized words out again in any form, whether that be my fantasy novel or future films.

Deep down, I am always dealing with some kind of pain, but I'm so used to it by now and well-practiced in effective coping that I see no point in sharing everything. I sometimes feel old for thinking this way, since you sorta have to accept a lot of things you don't like as you get older.

But hey, I'm also blessed... I have a good life, great friends and family, a fiancé, and a bright future. Sure, I'll always have mental health problems, and while I can chip away at some of them, others may remain unresolved. That's okay. (It's taken me many years to be able to say that and truly believe it.)

If the closest I get to sharing some of my deeper mental health issues is to talk about them vaguely, I don't mind as long as it accomplishes something. Even if it's not particularly interesting to you guys as my readers, it's fine with me because I already feel better writing this.

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