Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Accepting My Own Weirdness

Recently I've been experiencing a LOT of anxiety as the result of a number of things. There's the pressure to finish the video editing for my Asperger's Documentary before I go back to school, as well as the knowledge that I will have to get through another bout of transition anxiety when I do go back. So there's not much time to prepare.

However... today whilst running errands, I found myself feeling strangely happy. It took me a while to figure out the reason why; and turns out this reason was something that might seem minor and insignificant to most people. The reason: Something caught my eye at the craft store. It seems like an ordinary, everyday experience, but my recent anxiety and depression had pretty much killed my interest in most things. It was delightful... it was like a light, bouncy feeling, to be able to look at something I like and actually want it. I had to tell my frugality to take a long walk off a short plank so I could get this item for myself and actually enjoy the lovely feeling of getting something new that I wanted.

It's a pirate bandanna.
Yep. A pirate bandanna. It looks like one a kid might wear, but I liked it when I saw it, mostly due to my obsession with pirates as a teen. And the strangest thing occurred: it didn't bother me that I liked this item that "mature" people probably wouldn't wear. Honestly, I am so paranoid about what people think of me, and I work so hard on fitting in that I often deny myself things that others might not approve of.

But I bought the bandanna.

And I'm going to wear it. :D

Honestly, I think a lot of aspies have a hard time really accepting themselves and all of their quirks. Seems that they'd either love themselves to the point of it being a problem for others, or hate the way they are with a passion... it's hard to find a happy medium. Regretfully, I'm one of those who have been quietly submissive to the influence of society, so I've suppressed a lot of my aspie tendencies out of fear of being rejected.

But I am so tired of trying to be normal.
Haven't I learned already that normal is boring? When I'm at school, I don't make friends with those people. I make friends with those who are weird, nerdy, strange, and/or unique. The odd ones seem to have real personalities, while all the "normal" ones all seem the same to me.

(And in using the term "normal" I do recognize that there is no such thing, but I am referring to how the majority of people behave depending on where I am currently living. Basically those who go with the flow.)

I want to release what's been hidden, to be out there, to be... weird. I want to fight the norm. And I'm gonna do that to the best of my abilities.

...even if my form of protest is as harmless and as silly as wearing a pirate bandanna. :P

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