From the Other Side: Can You Hear Me?

My voice is not in my words. It echoes around in my head, bouncing around, trying to find a way out. When I write, paint, draw, sing, and make film, bits of my voice leak out. And yet, I still feel like no one hears it. I shout and scream inside my mind, wanting to tell someone everything that's trapped in there. But human language cannot capture it adequately.

Society's expectations are like barbed wire surrounding the utopia locked past the gates of normality. By the time I reach the gate, I've spent all my energy, my flesh torn by the wire's edges. To open the gate is another challenge; it's much too heavy for my weak muscles to handle. And yet, I have to push it open by myself... but I can't. So I shout through the gate, at the people on the other side. But they dare not open it, and they dare not cross to the other side.

The people in the utopia know what the other side holds: the mentally ill, the crazy, the criminal, suicidal, bipolar, autistic, deformed, traumatized, perverted, demented ones of their race. Home of the outcasts. My only company is the broken, when what I really want is to be close to people who have enough of their heart left to be kind when I need them. But in this world, wanting things is futile... you can't change who you are and what's happened to you.

Society knows of the other side, and yet there's much they don't know. They don't know that there is still love and happiness, even though it may appear as delusion and obsession. Each citizen of the other side is a real person, even if they are merely shattered fragments glued back together. That guy with multiple personalities might have more friends than you think--within himself. The druggie is going on all kinds of great vacations without leaving the spot he's sitting. The autist is having the time of his life color-coding all the marbles that the schizophrenic lost. The schizophrenic entertains the clinically depressed fellow by repeating the silly things voices tell him. All the NARCISSIST needs to be happy is a mirror and his bipolar companion with delusions of grandeur.

These friends of mine hear my voice. If I'm condemned to stay outside the gate, at least I'll have company.

Let Me Fly

I'm like a bird in a cage. I want to fly and be free, but the barriers of society keep me locked in. I don't understand the other creatures in the cage. All I can think about is flying away.

I need to be alone, but there is no privacy in the cage. I have no choice but to mingle with the others, even though I don't want to. It's scary attempting to befriend them, because I cannot predict what they'll do or say, nor can I interpret all of their language. Sometimes they stop talking to me and I don't know why, even if we've been "friends" for a while. I don't know if it's appropriate to talk to them again if they aren't making an effort to talk to me.

It's exhausting just being around these other creatures, let alone try to connect with them. But I have no choice... this is the cage I have been placed in. This is the world I have to face. But it's not all bad. When I have a break from the mundane tasks the creatures assign to me, and when everyone else has gone to sleep, I find a comfortable corner where I can be myself. Though I can't fly, I can dream of flying.
I can dream of anything!

I hope that one day, I'll be set free from the cage. I hope that my wings are strong enough to carry me. I've done so much work in this world that they might be too weak. But no matter what happens,
I can keep dreaming until the end.

Creatures of the Earth, look at me and try to understand. I am different from you, but I am a living, breathing being like you.
Please let me dream. Please let me fly.

[Neurodiversity isn't a term well-known, but it applies to everyone. Everyone's brain is different, so not everyone fits into the cages society puts us in. People use labels like Asperger's Syndrome and Introversion (with these labels expressed in the analogy of my experience above) to help us better understand each other, but the minds under these labels shouldn't be viewed as a lesser brain type or a "disorder." Do not judge anyone's heart based on their behavior. Take the time to listen to them, in whatever way they communicate best. You may find that you have more in common than you think.]

My Adventurous Attention Span

Often when I interact with people, I detach from my surroundings, the conversation, and just about everything for a split second. It's like almost losing consciousness, or being stuck in a dreamlike state for a moment. It's really weird; in that split second, my brain seems to zoom waaay out, looking down at the universe and questioning the significance of the tiny speck of space I'm standing in, and the nature of language as I hear the other person talking to me, and I find myself observing the structure of the conversation more than the words or meaning. Sometimes it's so short that I can keep interacting as if nothing happened, but sometimes it's long enough that I missed something, and I'd have to ask the other person to repeat themselves.

Sometimes, this "brain retreat" is inward (makes sense since I'm an introvert), and I'd find it hard to focus on an interaction because I'm examining everything I do, trying to process a billion things, trying to search for socially appropriate responses in my brain's computer, all the while thinking about how utterly ill-equipped I am to be talking to that person. I'd also be putting myself down for letting myself get carried away by this process... and it doesn't help not knowing whether this brain overload is my fault or because of how my brain is wired. Or perhaps it's just my short attention span? I'm not sure if other aspies deal with this, or if it's just an Alyssa thing.

At the end of the day, my thought processes leave me exhausted. :/

Mechanical Metaphor

I'm surrounded by people I don't truly know, even if I "know" them. I want to connect, but I can't find people's brain-ports. I don't want to see their polite greeting program. I don't want their antivirus to block me. I want to know their system. I want to know what's in their documents and let them read mine, give them a taste of my music while I enjoy theirs, watch their videos and show them mine, and share files. 

If only our operating systems were compatible......

The Aspie Underneath

It's days like these that make me feel more like an alien. It's days like these that mess with my head, and cause me to stay in my room. I don't want to go out in public on these days. I shouldn't.

One day I'll be doing well socially and energy-wise, and another day I'd take a few thousand developmental steps backwards and become awkward again. It's not that I wouldn't have confidence to make conversation on these days, it's just that I know better not to. I'm aware that I may either talk too much or too little, or change the subject randomly, or insert humor excessively. My limbs might decide to have a mind of their own and move stiffly or awkwardly, maybe twitch a little. It'd be harder to look {>.>} at people, and I wouldn't know where to focus my gaze {o.o}. I'd be far too disoriented to know how to put on my mask of normality. (._.)

This is when having a roommate isn't as fun... luckily, my roommate is rather accepting, but I still have to try to keep a cap on my awkwardness so it doesn't explode in a way that would bug her. If I was by myself, I'd feel a bit freer to be myself (that crazy lady who talks to herself in different voices, makes animal noises and laughs a lot, and hums to herself whilst pacing about the room).

On these days, I'd rather just be alone.

Back to College: My Transition Anxiety Firsthand

JOURNAL SNIPPET (Before the Episode)

SATURDAY 8/23

Well, let's see... this is my first night moving into college. I go to Judson University. Me and my good friend Stormy decided to room together, and so far we're getting along just fine. Then again, it's been only a day. :P We're nearly all organized/unpacked.

I'm so tired right now. I ought to sleep. But I can't figure out what to write to help me not have transition anxiety. I think the fact that Stormy is here, plus my mind is off it, helps a lot. I've been okay all day. I also took my supplements this morning so that should have helped. Really, overall, things sorta went "according to plan," but anything that didn't I adapted to very easily. Oddly easily...

---

Recollection of Transition Anxiety Episode

On Sunday night, I fell asleep rather easily, but woke up feeling strangely disoriented. I felt weird and uneasy, and my body was twitching and I was making soft noises in response.

I had experienced this before. Transition Anxiety... or more specifically, the strange "episodes" I associate with it. Usually I'd feel a mixture of intense anxiety and anguish, and there would be a lot of crying. However, I had mastered that portion of the episodes (mostly out of the necessity to not make a ruckus), so all that showed up that night was the physical symptoms that tend occur as a result--or the "aftermath."

Now that I had a sleeping roommate, I couldn't allow myself to release that pent-up anxiety in a way that would wake her up. I had to find another way to cope.

I prepared myself for what I expected to be a night of misery.

I pulled out my phone and messaged James. He's a wonderful friend of mine who I only know through the internet (half of my friends are online ones), but he's very close to me because we've got a lot in common, and he accepts me and tries to help me through stuff like this. During the anxiety, I had a hard time putting words into coherent sentences, though.

Here are some snippets of the conversation:

"Lushia Kyobi: Out of body, limbs float woke up flipped around next to computer, disoriented movement involuntary, spasms involuntary"

James did his best to reassure me until I managed to get up and out of bed. I figured a quick trip to the bathroom should help.

After I got out of bed, something occurred that I can only describe as a sort of "out-of-body" experience. It felt like my soul was trying to float out of my body as my consciousness fluctuated, creating a mental motion blur.

Bad anxiety affects my coordination

After walking into the bathroom, a mental block kept me from leaving and going back to bed. I cannot even explain why, but the very idea of leaving the bathroom paralyzed me.

A fairly accurate example of my
 visual glitches when I'm disoriented.

"Lushia Kyobi: Got up walked around scared into bathroom couldn't leave bathroom dark bad strange compulsion to stay worry"
"James Agbotta: <sitting outside your bathroom> its ok hmm? just relax"

I ate a small snack in case hunger was aggravating the anxiety symptoms. Sometimes I won't notice if I'm hungry when I'm overstimulated or anxious.
When I finally did force myself back in bed, I continued to talk to James, waiting for it to pass.

"Lushia Kyobi: Not in bathroom now forced body to walk into bed, binaural beats to calm because involuntary anxiety no control, only some, body tense. 'twas scary like possess"
"James Agbotta: maybe a hallucination? dream feeling real?"
"Lushia Kyobi: I don't know"
"Lushia Kyobi: Got food. Just followed basic instructions in deep mind, remembered water, food, binaural beats. Motor skills coming back some with some twitching but good"

The weeks before school I had disciplined my mind to take care of my body even when I was experiencing crippling anxiety. It was as if natural survival instincts took over. I'm sure glad that they did.

When the episode began, I expected the worst. Usually these situations last all night the first night of school.

But guess what?

It only lasted one hour.

It was a miserable hour for sure, but I conquered it. James did help me get through it, but it was ultimately my decision to actively seek my coping mechanisms that brought resolution.

For me... this was a huge success. :)

Accepting My Own Weirdness

Recently I've been experiencing a LOT of anxiety as the result of a number of things. There's the pressure to finish the video editing for my Asperger's Documentary before I go back to school, as well as the knowledge that I will have to get through another bout of transition anxiety when I do go back. So there's not much time to prepare.

However... today whilst running errands, I found myself feeling strangely happy. It took me a while to figure out the reason why; and turns out this reason was something that might seem minor and insignificant to most people. The reason: Something caught my eye at the craft store. It seems like an ordinary, everyday experience, but my recent anxiety and depression had pretty much killed my interest in most things. It was delightful... it was like a light, bouncy feeling, to be able to look at something I like and actually want it. I had to tell my frugality to take a long walk off a short plank so I could get this item for myself and actually enjoy the lovely feeling of getting something new that I wanted.

It's a pirate bandanna.

Yep. A pirate bandanna. It looks like one a kid might wear, but I liked it when I saw it, mostly due to my obsession with pirates as a teen. And the strangest thing occurred: it didn't bother me that I liked this item that "mature" people probably wouldn't wear. Honestly, I am so paranoid about what people think of me, and I work so hard on fitting in that I often deny myself things that others might not approve of.

But I bought the bandanna.

And I'm going to wear it. :D

Honestly, I think a lot of aspies have a hard time really accepting themselves and all of their quirks. Seems that they'd either love themselves to the point of it being a problem for others, or hate the way they are with a passion... it's hard to find a happy medium. Regretfully, I'm one of those who have been quietly submissive to the influence of society, so I've suppressed a lot of my aspie tendencies out of fear of being rejected.

But I am so tired of trying to be normal.
Haven't I learned already that normal is boring? When I'm at school, I don't make friends with those people. I make friends with those who are weird, nerdy, strange, and/or unique. The odd ones seem to have real personalities, while all the "normal" ones all seem the same to me.

(And in using the term "normal" I do recognize that there is no such thing, but I am referring to how the majority of people behave depending on where I am currently living. Basically those who go with the flow.)

I want to release what's been hidden, to be out there, to be... weird. I want to fight the norm. And I'm gonna do that to the best of my abilities.

...even if my form of protest is as harmless and as silly as wearing a pirate bandanna. :P