Expressing Emotions

There are things about me that I'd prefer not to explain to people.

Let's just say that dressing in a chicken suit before having a serious conversation or asking for advice is the social norm (yes, I'm actually going somewhere with this). When you're having a difficult time dealing with something, do you want people to insist that you dress in a chicken suit in order to talk to them about it? If your preferences of interaction differ from this "norm," you'd probably want to strangle anyone who tries to get you in a chicken suit.

That's my stance on discussing my problems in person. Even with people I trust, it feels incredibly awkward because I cannot sufficiently express how I'm feeling unless I'm writing or typing. In person, I may appear to be emotionally flat at these times, when in reality, I'm suppressing any outward expression as sort of a defense mechanism. It's not that I'm incapable of expressing emotion—for I do so in solitude—it’s just that I would rather express things in writing so I don't spew incoherent nonsense to someone. Writing letters and chatting online gives me the chance to think through what I want to say, and the fact that no one is looking at me makes it easier. People may become frustrated with me when I don't want to talk in person, but the fact is, I simply want to protect myself and the other person from confusing situations due to misunderstandings.

Dream Glasses: The Blue Room

I had an interesting dream last night.

My blue "therapy lights"

I was in a classroom with the other students before the professor had arrived. The lights were a pleasant, dim blue (probably because I had my blue "therapy lights" on before bed), so I didn't have to wear my sunglasses. Because I could think clearly under the lights, I felt more social, so I was going around the classroom talking to people like it was no problem at all. I felt so vibrant... wonderful... complete. Like I actually belonged there.

Normally I'm okay with not fitting in, as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts. But in that dream, I really felt as if I did, and it seemed very appealing.

Journal Snippet: Midterms and Rainy Days

It was wet and rainy today, but I didn't mind. I like the rain.

Today, my eyes were hypersensitive to lights... much more so than usual... probably due to my sporadic "midterm" sleep pattern. The barometric pressure was also giving me a headache. I reheated the odd breakfast I had made the night before (note to self: do not add vanilla almond milk while making eggs) and headed off to the testing center to take my Language and Society midterm. Because of my diagnosis and IEP, I get to take exams in a nice little testing room where I can turn the lights off. :3 Good thing I'm good at writing essays, because that's all the test was, pretty much.

After chilling in my room watching a movie with Teddy Jr. (my giant fluffy bear) and jotting down some plot points for my fantasy novel, I went to take my Advertising exam. I didn't schedule this one at the testing center because I thought I could handle taking it in the classroom. But not today... my eyes just didn't agree with me. The lights in the classroom were brighter than the ones in my other classes, so it didn't take long for them to fry my brain, and my sunglasses were no match for them. I spoke with the professor about it and he let me leave early so I could take the exam another time this week.

Silly Humans... Gossip and Complaining?

Two frivolous occupations of "normal" people (especially girls) that bother me are excessive gossip and complaining. Here's why:

I just don't get gossip.
Is there some kind of inner need amongst neurotypicals to talk about other people behind their back or something? Hearing gossip as I walk about campus bugs me. It doesn't help that I live in a building full of freshman girls (the only dorm hall with single rooms), because they seem to talk the most. My eyes always roll when I hear girls whispering about who's dating who, who did what, the oddities of professors... things like that.

My personal rule about mentioning other people:

If what you say isn't positive or true, then don't say anything at all.

Complaining isn't productive.
I can safely say that I avoid gossiping, but I have been guilty of complaining. Most of my complaints are related to my aspie needs though, like if a light is hurting my eyes or someone's blasting music. When I hear the complaints of others, they tend to be about little, insignificant things. I always use girls as examples because I live with them... they'd whine about their hair or not having time to put on makeup or the fact that a boy doesn't notice them... stuff like that. In these cases, complaining doesn't solve the problem, so I don't understand why they do it anyway. I probably can't relate to them because not very many things actually bother me, aside from my AS symptoms.

Puzzle Pieces

The world is a jigsaw puzzle, and I'm one of those odd pieces that don't quite fit.

I am a wanderer, a quiet and distant ghost that floats about and observes, but never joins. Everywhere I go, I don't seem to fit in, so I don't often make any effort to. It's taken years for me to be content with this, and I've had to tell myself over and over that it's a waste of energy trying, as a triangle, to fit into this circular world.

I've tried to be like other people and join conversations and groups, but I always go quiet because I can't find any way to relate to neurotypicals ("normal" people). Nowadays I simply observe, often thinking to myself, "Silly humans..." when I don't quite understand their odd banter and gossip. I've accepted being on the outside, and instead of getting my hopes up about making friends, I find other ways I can benefit from groups and events. Free food at parties, for instance; or bits of wisdom from church sermons. Sometimes I attend things just for the sake of people-watching, since humans are quite silly to watch sometimes.

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JOURNAL SNIPPET: Relating to the info above (should've made a new post...)

Today, I hopped onto a shuttle provided by a nearby church so I could attend the service this morning. I wanted to check it out, and I brought my sunglasses and earbuds in case I encountered any unpleasant experiences. Strangely enough, I liked the church. The auditorium was sensory-friendly with dim lights and low volume, and I was able to actually be in the room without fear of brainfog. It's also a relatively small church, quite similar to the size of my church back home, so I wasn't too anxious being in the crowd. I made sure no one sat next to me so I could have my own personal bubble. Best of all, the sermon was great—quite genuine with no fluff.

I might actually go again next Sunday.

Sensory Overload

Yesterday, I went on a trip to Chicago to view a documentary film called "Tough Bond". As a film student, I took note of their choice not to use a narration to make it more engaging. They had a panel beforehand with the directors in the documentary competition discussing their films and answering questions... but I wasn't really a fan of this part because the volume of the microphone was too loud for my sensitive hearing. The fact that I didn't get enough sleep the night before made it worse.

As noted in my previous journal post, the lower my energy is, the more sensitive I am to external stimuli (or things around me). This sensitivity is quite common in people with Asperger's and autism, and it affects them on a daily basis. Too much sensory input can cause an aspie/autie to become overstimulated.

The nature and severity of sensory overload varies from person to person, but I can list off what affects me specifically. Most of these things drain my energy and give me brainfog.

Florescent Lighting
I love sunlight and natural lighting, but I can't stand white florescent lights or bare bulbs. They hurt my eyes and my ability to think, if I'm exposed to them long enough. I have to wear sunglasses in most classrooms and public buildings so my vision won't blur and so I'll be able to focus.

Bass from Speakers
Two words. Bass hurts. When I'm near bass speakers or even present in a room with them, I can feel the thumping reverberate throughout my body, and it seriously fogs up my brain. Even if the volume is lower, I can still feel it from a good distance away if the bass is intense enough. I can handle loud music without bass for the most part, but lower to moderate volume is preferable for me. Concerts and IMAX theaters are out of the question.

Crowds and Noise
I get a bit anxious in large crowds. It makes conversation difficult, especially if I'm not given any personal space. My space bubble is larger than the typical gap between strangers, and I have to step back when someone stands too close to me. If it's unavoidable, I just deal with it and don't make eye contact so I don't get brainfog. Also, noise from crowds irritates me, so I'd often sit at a table further away from people when I go to eat at my university's dining hall.

Clothing
Finding clothes that suit me is no easy task. I can easily find things that fit me, but there are so many features of clothing that irritate me that it's nearly impossible to find anything that's comfortable and attractive. I can't wear anything that clings to my abdomen, under my arms, around my forearms/wrists, and around my calves/ankles. Jeans are not an option, and any pants I wear have to be elastic around the waist. I hate bras more than anything though; they drain my energy because they feel constricting. Also, no hats or high heels, or makeup, and I only wear lightweight jewelry. On most days at home, I'd wear oversized t-shirts, workout pants, and loose fuzzy socks because that's what's comfortable for me.

Journal Snippet: EpiConnection and Asperger's Awareness

Yesterday was lovely. After an unusually long nap (two hours!), I made some cookies and brought them to my social/support group, EpiConnection. I had started this group last semester for the purpose of providing students with disabilities a place to belong and to sort through our unique issues with a counselor. We currently have only 2-3 members, but I absolutely love spending time with them. I also figured out that another member has Asperger's Syndrome too!

Other than that, I spent most of the day chilling. I wanted to take it easy after the exhausting week. I went on Facebook and liked an Asperger's Awareness page (link below), and I liked how they encouraged aspies to post below with a little info about themselves so it'd be easier to make friends on the page. I viewed the descriptions many aspies had posted, and added several of them to my friends list.
Asperger's Awareness Community post

I had a surprise visitor (she's friends with me and my suitemate Demi) later on, though I was delighted to see her. She came by to hang out and do homework in my room, and it was nice having her around. Because she reminds me of another friend of mine who has ADD and Asperger's, I find myself giggling when she becomes intrigued by things in a childlike manner.

Unfortunately, I didn't get enough sleep again because I was hanging out with her and Demi, and I was going on a trip to Chicago in the morning too... the annoying thing about this is how my overall sensitivity increases when my energy is lower, which I'll elaborate more on in my next post.